I have two different stories I want to share. The first has to do with my freshman year in college. Just two months in. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything. But this guy really liked me, and eventually I began to like him back. I fell for him, and it was a huge mistake.
One night, he asked to come to my room. When he got to my room, he kept making subtle hints to kiss me. He kept saying he wanted it so much and kept making things up to let him kiss me. I really didn’t want to, I had never kissed anyone before in my life. I continued to be hesitant and thought he’d figure it out. Eventually, while sitting on my bed, he kissed me. He said that I didn’t know guys hormones and how bad he wanted it. I was so scared and I didn’t want to, but I was 18 years old at the time and I thought that everyone does it, so its weird if I refuse. And my roommate had told me that if I don’t do it, then I would be pushing him away. I still liked him and I wanted him to like me. But at one point I tried to pull away, but his hands were on the back of my head, and he didn’t let me pull back. He kept me there. I’ll never forget that moment, my heart was racing and I didn’t know what to do. I just stopped fighting and stayed there. An d his hands went everywhere, and touched me everywhere. I didn’t want him to, but I couldn’t get the strength to say no. I was so shy and so scared. We didn’t have sex, so he never actually penetrated me. But I was still affected. I don’t think he realized what he did, and I feel like it’s my fault because I was too scared to say no. The next morning he dumped me, and the rest of that year he played me and led me on. Emotionally and psychologically destroyed me to the point where I have no self-esteem left.
I didn’t see that night for what it really was until two years later. When I would talk to my friends about it, they would say “yeah but you still wanted it. you still wanted to kiss him.” That’s when I realized I can’t tell anyone because nobody will understand. When my friends said that to me, I felt so broken inside. My best friend even told me that.
My second story is in a club a few months ago. I was out with a couple friends when someone grabbed my wrist. He had a drink in one hand and my wrist in the other. I tried to pull away so many times, but he was too strong. Then he put his drink down and grabbed both my wrists, and suddenly he was behind me holding both my hands in a locked position. I couldn’t move, I tried and I couldn’t. He whispered something in my ear. And I felt his dick, I felt him trying to grind on me. Thankfully one of my friends pulled me out. When we got outside I was shaking. I was so scared. But my friends said “calm down nothing happened to you.” They kept saying at least I wasn’t raped, that I was being a little dramatic. Telling me nothing happened and I needed to calm down.
I also told my best friend this. She also responded similarly, and told me that nothing really had happened. I had convinced myself that maybe nothing had happened. But I still think about it. I can’t tell anyone because nobody will believe me and everyone will think I’m being too dramatic.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I deserve all this. I don’t know why but I feel like I deserve to be used. That I’m not a good person and I deserve to be sexually assaulted and used for someone else’s pleasure. That I’m not good for anything else.
I think I have severe depression. I feel alone all the time. I don’t know if these experiences have caused it or if I’ve always been depressed.
But thank you to whoever is reading this. This is the most I’ve ever told anyone.
— Survivor, age 22