Sexual Assault in my own bed

I was messing around with my ex. I know I shouldn’t have but my friends told me to have fun be a teenager. So I was doing just that. We were friends with benefits. Most of it was just kissing and touching. It was the day that my parents were gone. I invited him over. I knew that it was a booty call but I didn’t want to have sex I just wanted to mess around. I let him in and we went to my room. He took his shirt off and we started kissing. When he reaches for my boobs I told him no. That I don’t want to have sex. He didn’t want to hear anything I said. Next thing I know I am laying on the bed with his crushing weight on top of me. I remember every little detail. From his weight on me to the feeling of his tongue down my throat. I could feel myself slowly dying realizing what was happening. I felt completely powerless and so I though I might as well enjoy it. But when someone is causing you pain just for their pleasure you can enjoy it. You don’t want it and even if you scream at them to stop. They won’t. He didn’t until he got what he wanted. He got up put his clothes on and left. After that I didn’t hear from him at all. The last thing he said to me was that we shouldn’t tell anyone what happened. I was so afraid. I remember going to the store the next day and I couldn’t get near any males. I would see one and all of my hairs would stand up I couldn’t relax. I had my guard up so high and I knew that all of them were capable of doing something completely horrific. Still to this day I have nightmares. I haven’t told anyone because I myself still can’t believe it. I hope one day I will be able to heal.

— Survivor, age 16