Sexually Assaulted

I had just moved in with my boyfriend to his friends house he lives in with his girlfriend. We were told by another friend once how the two of them started dating which was by them cheating together on the girls boyfriend that she lived with that was out of town at the time. The friend that told us the story had said to watch out for him. My boyfriend had told me I better tell him if he ever tries anything with me and that he’d beat the shit out of him and me… It’s only been 2 weeks since we moved in, and my boyfriend had been out partying all weekend. And the friends girlfriend had left for work. So it was just him and I at the house. I was telling him how frustrated I was with the fact my boyfriend hadn’t come home all weekend, he pretended to care and talked with me about it, I had decided to go to the store to get a 6 pack of beer and hang by the pool. I had one beer I was drinking and was like you need another one and kept brining me more beers. I am a 95 pound girl so only a couple beers and I’m drunk. I didn’t realize that was his plan. After feeding me beers I got sleepy and said I’m gonna go lay down, I put on sweats and tshirt and laid in bed. He let himself into my room and said “let’s cuddle” I was like what no I can’t do that and he kept saying no it’s fine “today didn’t happen” and he came onto my bed and started touching me. I kept saying no stop what are you doing this isn’t ok. And again “it’s fine today didn’t happen” I pushed him off and I rolled over and he said “well now I have a boner you can’t stop I’ll get blue balls.” I told him I don’t care that’s not my problem I can’t help you with that. “Today didn’t happen” he kept saying and kept touching me despite the fact I kept saying no. He didn’t stop until he put it in me and came. I was frozen. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Although he didn’t physically hurt me he still didn’t stop and I was just scared. He left to go do something and my boyfriend finally came home. I felt like a zombie like I didn’t do enough to stop him. I contacted a friend who told me that I probably couldn’t consider it rape because I didn’t physically try to fight him off of me. But I was intoxicated, coherent still but scared and not fully in my right mind to think to have done that. I keep trying to convince myself it wasn’t my fault. A few days later and my boyfriend has asked me if I’ve been getting any weird vibes from him. I haven’t really known how to respond because I’m scared. I can’t tell him what happened because he wouldn’t believe that I didn’t engage in it with him and he would probably leave me. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t look at him I looked away I didn’t let him kiss me I kept saying for him to stop… And now I have to continue living with this guy who fully manipulated me and intimidating me into this awful situation. This is miserable. Feeling like I halfway cheated on my boyfriend which I would NEVER do. I’m also mad at him for not coming home because if he had that would have never happened to me. That guy is a piece of shit he purposefully, cheated on his girlfriend, cheated his friend, and cheated me. And now I have to live with this guilt of what else I wish I did to stop it. I love my boyfriend in the most loyal person and no matter if I was mad at him I would never do that. I don’t want to tell anyone about it because I am scared of the judgement and people not believing me and everyone turning on me for something I had zero control over. I’m having horrible anxiety of him ever telling anyone that he “hooked up with me” when I gave him zero consent but again people might not believe me then I loose the person that I want to marry and have kids with because he did that to me.

— Survivor, age 23