“She Didn’t Do Anything”

I was 17. I remember when my best friend and I first started hanging out with these guys; I guess it was hard to make girl friends and I attracted friendship with guys since I was such a laid back person. I did everything I could to avoid conflict, and I never judged a soul. I guess that’s what made me such a vulnerable target. I had a crush on one of the boys, he was tall and a jock from high school. I never thought I’d see the day where I actually hung out with him. Except, he was nothing like I’d imagine him to be. He was confident, he was rude, he was assertive. The rest of the guys were cool, and we all got along so very well. A friendship bloomed between all of us. And that friendship stayed even after what happened to me. I ended up losing my virginity to the guy I had liked. No romance happened. Just all friends. We all used to lay in a bed together, watching shows or just simply laughing and playing games. One night my best friend and I didn’t have anywhere to stay since we were out too late, so we decided to sleep over. I remember feeling a hand traveling down my shorts before I fell asleep. It belonged to one of the guys. I pushed it away and thought that everything was okay now, he would get the message. But he didn’t. I tried to stay awake, but I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and I felt my shorts were pulled down and my underwear weren’t on correctly. I ignored it, but it stuck with me on the ride home. What did he do to me?
A couple months later I ended up getting into a relationship, so I cut off most of my friends and focused on that. Until my boyfriend broke up with me. A week after the break up I was back with the group of guys. It was supposed to be a fun night, hanging out and playing games to take my mind off of the heartbreak I was facing for the first time in my life. The guy I lost my virginity to had claimed that we had sex more than once to my friends, I was lost and confused. I didn’t remember a second time. That was until he followed me into the bathroom after everyone had gone to sleep. I wasn’t feeling too well, my throat had a burning sensation. I thought he followed me to comfort me since I was feeling sad. He told me that sex would make me feel better. So I stood up and thought about it, but quickly changed my mind; thinking I had the right to do it, but I didn’t. He ended up pushing me against the sink and trying to put himself in me. I froze. He left the bathroom angry, and I could hear him telling my own best friend who was asleep, “she didn’t do anything.”
I left the bathroom after ten minutes and went back into the bedroom, so I could seek comfort from my best friend but she told me she was too tired. I scanned the room and didn’t see him, so I got into the bed. Five minutes go by and I feel a hand in my shorts, the shorts that I used to be so comfortable in. His hand wouldn’t leave my body, I thought maybe this is what I deserved. I ended up crawling out once he fell asleep, and I curled up on the ground and I remember putting my head on a gross pillow and I never slept that night. I went home the next day and found out I had strep throat.
Ever since the times I had with these guys, my self-awareness has been lost, and I have no idea who I am anymore. It’s a year later and the trauma has affected my relationships with men. But everyday I am trying to get myself back. I want to be happy and in control of my own body. I don’t want to be the victim anymore.