Siblings

I was 10 when my mom got married her and my dad were together for 15 years then all of a sudden broke up when I was about 6. I was there only child and my mom was pregnant by my step dad who had an older son that came to live with us. He was 15 and transferred to my school. My mom was having some complications so she was being monitored in the hospital while my step dad worked nights so it was just me and my step brother home all day. He was really nice to me and I was glad to have someone to look up to until he changed, I was sitting on the couch and he came and sat next to me and put his arm around me slowly moving his hand down to my thighs and start rubbing them. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat still and let it happen. He started rubbing me in between my legs then put his hand in my pants and started fingering me. I was scared and I froze I kinda knew what sex was but I didn’t know all the details. I felt like what he was doing was wrong but I thought that somehow it was ok for us to do it because he kept telling me he was making me feel good and if I liked it. I don’t want to say that I did like it cause it would make it seem like I wanted it and I didn’t want it but I guess my body was reacting to it and I never told him to stop. This went on for about 2 years whenever he had a chance he would do this until I turned 12. He started asking me for more sexual favors. He told me that I had to make him feel good like he did for me and if I didn’t he would tell my mom I let him finger me and I didn’t want to get in trouble so I obeyed. One day, I was pleasing him and he told me to take off my pants and lay on the bed, I thought we were doing what we did another time but he got on top of me instead. I asked him what he was doing and he just shushed me and tried to put it inside me. I told him he was hurting me but he wouldn’t let me get up I kept try ing to get from under him and he got mad and put all his weight on me so I couldn’t move and forced it in. I started screaming and crying and I begged him to get it out of me, he put his hand over my mouth then a pillow over my face. I remember being in pain and feeling blood running down my legs as I was fading in and out of consciousness. At one point he must of taken the pillow off my face because the next time I woke up he stripped the bed then took me into the bathroom and told me to clean up I got in the tub and cried until our parents got home. I fixed myself up and acted like nothing happened, after that he kept abusing me I went into a downward spiral. I started cutting and smoking weed to numb the pain. I was disgusted with myself and I wanted to die. I never told anyone. I loved my mom and it would crush her to find out plus I thought it was mostly my fault for letting him do things to me in the first place so I thought it was best for my family if i just stayed quiet. My step brother has now gone off to college and I’m still home living with this secret. This is the first time I’ve ever shared this and I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, I feel a lot better now sharing and I feel some of the weight lifting. I don’t know if I could share this with my parents yet but I’m working up to it it’s hard when your abuser is your sibling.

— Tara, age 14