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Silent Rape

I spent twenty years of my life with my ex husband, 16 of them engaged to him and 4 married to him, we had 3 children. He was a jealous, abusive husband who used to accuse me of sleeping with an ex boyfriend of mine but I never did. Seven years before my ex husband and I split up a bus driver was paying me a lot of attention when I was going home from work. He seemed very friendly and then one day he turned up in his car, not his bus and I got in to the car. He took me to his house, I was so afraid to go home because I had spent a long time at this bus driver’s house, I knew my husband would be really angry so I stayed with the bus driver for 10 days. I know it was wrong of me but we had consensual sex until one morning I was woken by the bus driver at 4 am, he was getting ready to go to work. He was pulling my pyjama bottoms off me. I said no but he didn’t listen and I kept saying no but he went and did it anyway, there was n o struggle, he said nothing. He did it to me then calmly got dressed and went to work. I lay on the bed and realised that he had raped me. I felt so dirty and ashamed. This bus driver also used to be a soldier in the army. Knowing this fact brought its own nightmares to me. After 10 days I went back home. At first my husband was very nice but he became very abusive again and I started drinking whisky to numb the pain of it all. I drank whisky every day for about a year. Sometimes I’d see British army soldiers in our shopping centre trying to recruit new people into the army and I couldn’t handle seeing a man in an army uniform. I had panic attacks about this. Eventually I plucked up the courage to phone rape crisis and told the woman on the phone this story. I asked her had I actually been raped to which she replied yes I had been. Rape does not always happen with violence. Saying no doesn’t always stop a man intent on having his way. It’s nearly 19 years since this happened to me and I still feel panicked when I see a soldier. A few years after this happened to me when I was strong enough I knocked on his door, I wanted to show this man that he didn’t break me. He was shocked to see me standing there. I faced him to get rid of the demons. I hope this helps all you brave strong women out there, God Bless you all.

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