I have early memories from about age six. When i was about six years old, I fondly have flash backs of being touched by my younger brother’s father. I’m not completely sure what he exactly did to me but I sometimes have weird “dreams” and I’m not sure if there dreams or memories but there uneasy to think about. I have one specific “dream” I keep having of me laying on the floor in my mother’s room, next to her bed, and I’m just lookin around..? And another of me and him in the bathroom, alone.. it blurs from there.
Anyway, at the age thirteen, iI was with a friend from school and trying to fit in. I agreed to go with her to meet some guy she meet off of a chatline. Not knowing, she had the guy she met bring his friend along “for me” she said. Remind you were only 13. So we go to a corner store near her house, which is where they agreed to meet. As we walk up there’s a car with two men inside. She walks up and gets in the car, I followed and got in as well. I felt super nervous and kinda scared. We drove to her house and went immediately up to her room. Conveniently there were two mattress on the floor, which I found odd. My friend and the guy just go right for it and start having sex. The friend, who says he’s 21 but looks older, turns to me and grabs my hand leading me to the other mattress, really scared I follow. We both sit down and he pulls out a condom, looks at me without even asking if I wanted to have sex he asks if I can put it on him. At this point I’m in shook. I tell him no and he proceeds to put it on himself. I’m still sitting there frozen, a scared 13 year old virgin that has social anxiety. He than tells me to take off my pants and underwear. It was so painful all I could think was when is it going to end. I start to cry and I remember him saying “what’s wrong! You a virgin?” Lying, I say no. Eventually the pain is too much and I tell him to please stop. He angrily does and I hurry to put my clothes on. Shaking scared, I go home and try to forget. Later that night I was in so much pain, it hurt to walk. I try to examine myself and find that I’ve been torn and thats why I was in so much pain.
I’ve never told anyone for a long time. And when I finally did, the girl I told just said “oh thats normal, its called popping your cherry”, and so I even considered this my “first time.” Broken and confused, I start to date a boy my age when I was 14. Long story short, he manipulated me with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. A key memory was on more than one occasion, he would want to have sex and I would tell him no. He did it anyway, while telling me to shut up, holding me down and if I struggled he would hit me. He also would cheat on me constantly. The relationship lasted about six months of my life.
I am almost 22 now, married with a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. I understand now, that I experienced forms of rape, seeing how I was 13 and naive, getting convinced by a mid-twenties year old into sex, without consent. And being forced into things I didn’t consent to at age 14.