So Many Years to Remember

It took me so many years to remember.

I was at a party. I went with a girl friend. I was immediately offered drinks. I accepted. I don’t even think I finished it. Guys were overly sweet to me. It only took 20 minutes and I felt awesome! I thought, did someone put something in my drink? Oh well.. If they did they did me a favor because I was happy, relaxed, ready to have fun. My friend decided to leave with someone, maybe another guy. I tried to keep us together. I didn’t want to be at a party with lots of people I didn’t know, alone. But, I was so happy. So I just stayed anyway. I knew better. I was in my young twenties at the time.

A charismatic guy asked me if I wanted to chill downstairs with him. I was suspicious so I asked if others were there. Oh yeah, we won’t be alone. I peeked downstairs and there were lots of people, even women so I agreed. By the time I got to the bottom of the steps that good feeling kept going I believe, but suddenly I was pretty weak. He asked me if I wanted to make out, I said yes. I did. I totally felt like I wanted to. That was not like me, but I was ok with it.

This is where things get fuzzy. I remember bits and pieces. Including being chained to a pole in the basement. The weirdest part is, I went along with it. Maybe it was self protection, or they legit gave me the best date rape drug there is but I mostly didn’t care. At least a few people took turns with me. The weirdest part is, people were all there just hanging out on couches and what not. Maybe they were all hooking up. I don’t know but everything was really casual and chill considering the fact I was chained to a pole in a basement and random people were having their way with me. At some point, I definitely had enough and was crying and asking them to stop. I couldn’t fight much.. but my knees were hurting so I laid flat as I could on the cold concrete floor while one of them finished from behind. Eventually ,I vomited and was laying face first in it, still chained to the pole, profusely shaking. My body started to go into shock I think..

At some point a girl stomped down the steps all angry. I didn’t know why she was angry. I felt like she was mad at me. Why was she mad at me? I just know I wanted to go to sleep. I was tired. I didn’t want people having sex with me. I was very very tired. I remember someone taking me in the bathroom and cleaning me up. I was so grateful for them. They were very sweet. Maybe it was that girl. I don’t know. But, all I knew from that moment on was that love. Someone wiping my vomit, someone cleaning me up and giving me clothes. I thanked them profusely.

I woke up the next morning, hung over beyond all belief on the couch at this house,, of which i had never been, and a few guys were sitting around smoking a joint and smiling at me. I was weirded out that they ALL were staring at me. It seemed like they had been there a while. They started asking me questions about what I remembered the night before and handed me a joint. I didn’t remember a gosh darn thing. I really didn’t..I told them that and apologized profusely for my crashing on their couch. They said yeah it was a crazy night and told me no worries, stay as long as I like. They smoked me up, bought me breakfast, for all I knew they were super nice guys. My whole body hurt, things didn’t feel right but, I just blocked it all. All of it. I remember saying yeah, I feel awful today. Everything hurts. They laughed and gave me something for that..

Over time, these bits and pieces would come to me. I convinced myself it was all a dream .. Until chance had it.. I ran into one of the guys many years later. He said, I know you. I know you. I’d say, no you don’t. Eventually it came to him.. And he said .. No! You were the girl chained up in my basement! I legit had no idea what he was talking about, denied it and told him he was crazy. That was really weird what he said though. So over many months it haunted me. I started to process it, and in time, it all made sense. This was real. It did happen. I agreed to a lot of crazy stuff I never would have. And somehow.. I blocked it all away for many many years.

In retrospect, I’m really lucky I didn’t remember anything. Maybe my mind put the pieces together but what would have happened if I had remembered? I was in their house. Would they have killed me? When I puked, I’m lucky someone cared for me and made sure I didn’t aspirate or stop breathing all together. In fact, they may have been watching me the whole time I slept to ensure I was still breathing.

I’m putting this out there to let others know, there are date rape drugs so powerful that you might initially consent to things you normally wouldn’t! . I Would actually never try to turn them in. I really wouldn’t because of that. I really went along with it at the start. Even when it was bad, I didn’t feel anxious, not sure I felt much pain until the end.. Pretty sure I slept for days after. I didn’t remember a thing. Just bits and pieces coming back to me over time and a haunting confession from one of the Guys himself many years later. I’m super lucky I had the most caring rapists ever? I mean, is that even possible? Weirdest drugged rape confession EVER I know. But.. It’s mine.

Please don’t let anyone get you a drink. Just don’t. If you feel unusually good after a drink, be sure to get to a safe place away from danger. That feel good feeling could come at a super high price. Oh and if you go to a party with a friend, seriously don’t let them leave you for a guy. Just don’t. Stick together, stay together, no exceptions.

— Survivor, age 32