I’m so overwhelmed with so much memory. I wish it would wash all of itself away.
6/7 violently molested by my 15 year old cousin, forced to give him oral.
8-12 manipulated into believing i would be in trouble if i told anyone. Everything was my fault. I was to blame. Me. Moms boyfriends daughter makes me play “house” with her every other night. Forced to -perform- as she would want me to. Oral. Making out. Touching myself.
8-13 I have divorced parents and when I visit my grandmas house my cousin who lived down the street would take me into the shed and do horrible things. This one I can’t talk about. But one thing that is so distinct is the dirt floors and the taste of blood and urine.
Senior year- my best friend Marissa and her effed up boyfriend get me alone. She helps him restrain me. He rapes me, makes me shower with him. Sleep next to him.
21-My boyfriends best friend comes back from Afghanistan really effed up. He gets me alone one night and almost rapes me. Had me half undressed and was suffocating me. Still unsure how I got out of this one….I prayed and prayed and apparently someone heard me because he stopped.
Here I am at 22 remembering, repeating, replaying….No matter how careful I am it seems to happen anyways. I’m tired. I’m tired of people telling me I’m lying. I’m tired of people asking me why I didn’t “fight back more” I’m sick and tired of no one understanding. I hate that I’m trapped there. In every moment of torture and abuse. I hide it all so well. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No matter the details I give or the circumstances I was under. NO ONE gets it and I am just so tired of this life. So much pain and no one knows. No one could possibly understand how much this hurts and torments and taunts …. I hate that stupid look on my friends face when I told her everything I’d been through… Like “there’s no way all of that happened to you” I’m so tired. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I just want it all to stop. It is such an ugly feeling to be alone. I don’t know what to do….I just don’t know what to do.
— Rebecca, age 22
I understand your pain. My life has been hard too. I was abused by my adoptive mother, a therapist from age 5-15. Was chained up in a cellar with my little brother, and repeatedly sexually tortured and beaten. I grew up as the “white trash poor kid”, and my school didn’t really care when I showed up in urine-soaked clothes with bruises on me. When I was 15, I was beaten, strangled and stabbed after my adoptive mom let me shower for the first time in a year. I managed to get out and get to a hospital, and I am miraculously still alive today. I met my birth mom, and lived with her for the rest of my high school years. Please please please email me. I really want to help you, as your story really touched me. I seen so much that I’m not really floored by much, but this made me want to cry. Believe me, I know where you’re standing, and I want you to know that there is always a way out. God is on your side.
Dear Rebecca,
I believe you. I think it is easier to believe that someone is making this up than it is to believe that this type of pain and evil really exists in the world, but there are people who will understand you and believe you. I want you to know that you don’t owe anyone a justification for anything. In fact, you don’t owe anything to anyone. You are the only person who matters in this journey you are on. I hope that sharing your story here and finding people who believe you helps you to find a little bit of peace. Carrying this pain can be a heavy burden. I hope you are able to ease that burden over time. You deserve a life of peace and happiness. I will keep you in my thoughts. Remember, I believe you. Light and love, Alissa
Dear Rebecca – first, before anything else, I want to say that I believe you. Every word you wrote. I know you feel alone but please know that you aren’t. You are so strong to post your story here and I am honored to be able to bear witness to it. Feeling so alone is so hard and I know it can be really scary to talk to someone about what you’ve been through especially when you have had people who haven’t reacted the way you want. Could you try to find a counselor in your area to talk to? He or she can help give you some ways to cope and you’ll be able to talk about what you’ve been through. Please know I believe in you and I will be thinking about you!!