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So Much Pain Its Overwhelming

I’m so overwhelmed with so much memory. I wish it would wash all of itself away.
6/7 violently molested by my 15 year old cousin, forced to give him oral.
8-12 manipulated into believing i would be in trouble if i told anyone. Everything was my fault. I was to blame. Me. Moms boyfriends daughter makes me play “house” with her every other night. Forced to -perform- as she would want me to. Oral. Making out. Touching myself.
8-13 I have divorced parents and when I visit my grandmas house my cousin who lived down the street would take me into the shed and do horrible things. This one I can’t talk about. But one thing that is so distinct is the dirt floors and the taste of blood and urine.
Senior year- my best friend Marissa and her effed up boyfriend get me alone. She helps him restrain me. He rapes me, makes me shower with him. Sleep next to him.
21-My boyfriends best friend comes back from Afghanistan really effed up. He gets me alone one night and almost rapes me. Had me half undressed and was suffocating me. Still unsure how I got out of this one….I prayed and prayed and apparently someone heard me because he stopped.
Here I am at 22 remembering, repeating, replaying….No matter how careful I am it seems to happen anyways. I’m tired. I’m tired of people telling me I’m lying. I’m tired of people asking me why I didn’t “fight back more” I’m sick and tired of no one understanding. I hate that I’m trapped there. In every moment of torture and abuse. I hide it all so well. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No matter the details I give or the circumstances I was under. NO ONE gets it and I am just so tired of this life. So much pain and no one knows. No one could possibly understand how much this hurts and torments and taunts …. I hate that stupid look on my friends face when I told her everything I’d been through… Like “there’s no way all of that happened to you” I’m so tired. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I just want it all to stop. It is such an ugly feeling to be alone. I don’t know what to do….I just don’t know what to do.

— Rebecca, age 22

3 comments

  • Benjamin
  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Alexis

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