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Speak Up

My name is Gina and I was 20 years old when it happened. He was my boyfriend at the time, I loved him and he loved me. It was why I stayed with him despite what he did. The first time it happened was at a get together at my house with friends. We had all been drinking that night, it was late and many of our friends were just going to sleep. I had to go to the bathroom and he decided to come with me. In the bathroom we started making out he picked me up laid me on the floor and got on top of me. While making out he started to touch me and unbutton my shorts, I told him no multiple times, he kept asking, begging. I told him no I was to tired for sex, that I didn’t want to make out much anymore because I was falling asleep, but he kept pushing. I was drunk, I was tired, he kept pushing and finally I let him. I just laid there half awake and let him use me. Afterwards I felt dirty, I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep, I kept telling myself it was my fault because I should have stood my ground, I could have tried harder.

We had gotten into a huge fight and we were taking a break, he asked me to come over his barracks to talk to him about our relationship, despite my feeling ill I agreed. I was happy that he wanted to discuss us. My friend dropped me off on base and said she would be back in 2 hours time, she didn’t come till more than 4 hours later. After he and I talked I asked him if I could sleep a little while waiting for my friend because I was not feeling well and he said yes. While I was falling asleep he started trying to kiss me I said no, he stopped. A little while later he started to touch me, my chest and private, again I told him to stop and again he did. He then did it again and I tried to push him away and I kept telling him no, finally he stopped. At some point my friend called to pick me up and I left. He called the next day to apologize. I accepted his apology.

The third incident we were having sex, (this is the one that got to me most. I guess it got to me most because I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t tired and I wasn’t sick, I was able bodied and capable of speaking up). While we were having sex he asked if he could stick it in my butt, we had tried this before and he knew I didn’t like it. I told him no, and a few minutes later he asked again and again I said no. We continued our activities, I was on my hands and knees, him behind me and suddenly rammed himself inside my butt. I cried out, he put his full weight on top of me and I crumpled. I couldn’t move I just laid there, I grabbed a pillow to my face and shed a few tears. Afterwards I tried to leave, I called a few people to pick me up but no one answered so I asked him to drop me off home. He brought a friend with him as he dropped me off so I used it as an excuse to hide in the backseat. At home that night I showered till the hot water ran out and cried myself to sleep.

It’s been two years and over this time period I have tried my best to put these incidents behind me. Sometimes late at night, on nights like tonight I get lost in my thoughts and go back to what happened. I still think it’s all my fault. I still think I could have better stood up for myself, that I could have just left and I didn’t.

To everyone out there please don’t make the same mistakes I have, no matter the type of abuse. Don’t stay with a person who doesn’t respect you, who hurts you like this no matter how much you may love them, or they say they love you, or no matter how scared of them you may be. Please speak up, use your voice. Whether it’s to tell the person no or to share your story with a person or people who can help and support you.

Thank you for reading my story,

Gina, age 22

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