Still Rape

I’m sharing my story because I have a daughter and I know with her beautiful little face and bubbly personality, she could become a victim in an instant. I want her to know her mother is a survivor and I will walk through hell and back to protect her from the traumas I still deal with. Giving my story a voice means raising awareness and teaching all the survivors of the world that THERE IS PEACE. It lies with in your soul.
When I was 2 years old, I was molested by my cousin’s father. While I don’t remember the actual rape, I do remember my molester placing a pillow over my face to keep me quiet. To this day, I cannot have anything over my face or wear necklaces for fear of suffocation. When I was 8, my mothers boyfriend attempted to rape me after forcing me to watch porn with him. He took me into my mom’s bedroom and actually used the line,”If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” I was terrified and kept telling him no, no, no. He pulled my pants off me but was spooked by my neighbor pulling up in his loud truck and stopped. He then told me to keep it a secret from my mom because it would hurt her feelings and loaded me into her truck. He took me down a dirt road to “go fishing” but my mother called him to pick her up from work. I’m positive he would have succeeded in raping me had she not called. I didn’t tell her for more than a year. Of course when I did, she blamed herself and tried to file charges but the police told her it was too late and that he was already in jail on drug related charges. Today, he has to register as a sex offender because he raped a little girl and her mother was successful in filing charges. For years, he stalked my mother and even turned up at the creek a quarter mile from my grandparents’ house on thanksgiving one year. I look for him around every corner.

When I was 17, I was raped by an absolute stranger in the dead of night in my own bed. I was living with friends for the summer and we partied heavily. There was always traffic in and out of the house and we had no supervision because their mom was on drugs and their dad lived on a rig 21 days of the month. One night, my friends left to spend the night with their boyfriends and I stayed behind alone. They left the door unlocked frequently because we were so used to random friends dropping. I was asleep in the pitch black of my room on the third floor so I never heard him slip in. I didn’t realize I was under attack until he was on top of me. I was so groggy and confused i had no idea what was happened until he ripped my pants down. Once I came to the realization that yes, this was real, I was being raped,I fought him every step, if only to ensure he didn’t take me easily. He pulled my onto the floor, the force causing me carpet burns all over my legs and elbows. When the bastard was finished, he went down to the bathroom and used my toothbrush to brush his teeth. I never went to the police because I knew no one would ever believe me.

When I was 20, I was raped once again but this time, I knew my rapist. Before, I stored the memories in the darkest corner of my mind and almost convinced myself nothing had ever happened. I have a way of disconnecting myself from trauma so I never have to actually deal with it. This time, I was raped by a friend and the emotional pain was so much more real than the physical and I was forced to deal with my own thoughts. This guy was a very good friend. I’d known him for some time and I trusted him. That night, I’d come home from my grandfather’s funeral and considering he raised me, I was an absolute wreck. I bought myself a bottle of vodka and called Greg over. The most disgusting part of this all is how comfortable he made me feel. So comfortable that I thought I could drink myself into oblivion, cry my heart out, and trust him never to hurt me. My roommate was asleep on the couch so this only elevated my comfort level. Somewhere between shots and blubbering, I fell asleep with him at the foot of my bed. The next morning, I woke up without the pants I’d fallen asleep in and a horrible pain inside. Looking behind me, I realized Greg was asleep in my bed. I guess the shift in the bed from me standing woke him and he smiled at me. I asked him why my pants were off and he actually had the audacity to laugh and tell me he’d helped himself to my body while I was passed out. He laughed! I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t even say anything. I simply walked to the bathroom and locked myself in. When I’d gathered my senses, I finally let myself out and he was gone. I woke my roommate and told her everything that had happened. She held me and I cried into her lap for hours. The worst part of all this is while I was at school, he raped her and she got pregnant. The little boy is the sweetest child but he is an everlasting reminder of what happened to both of us at the hand of the same person.

I am a survivor of 3 rapes and an attempted rape. I’m alive, I’m happy and thriving, and I refuse to let the bad decisions of 4 horrible men define who I am as a person. If you’ve been raped, you will heal and you will continue on with your life. I survived and you will too.

— Aimee, age 25