I had been friends with this guy for a few months. We were very close. Some people called us “friends with benefits”. He was the guy I lost my virginity to. I thought he was someone I could trust. I still think it’s my fault. He led me on and used me. He told me he didn’t want a relationship and then told me he had a girlfriend. The night he raped me, he cheated on his girlfriend.
I still think it’s my fault, I willingly hung out with him knowing he was a drunk and in a relationship. As he got in my car after we hung out for a few hours, he asked me if I wanted to perform oral sex. I told him I wanted to, but I wasn’t going to because he was in a relationship. He pushed it on me. Next thing I know, I’m being forced to give oral sex. After I had said “no” and “I don’t want to” or “I’m not going to” more times than I can recollect. Right before he penetrated me, I said “no” one last time and the last thing I remember hearing is “yes”.
It didn’t hit me until about a week and a half after it had happened. I kept telling myself that because we had consensual sex in the past, it wasn’t rape. I continue to tell myself he was my friend. I continue to tell myself that because he was my friend, there’s no way it could have been rape.
I don’t know anyone who has been through my situation. My friends are trying to be comforting and are trying to understand. I don’t mean to lash out at them. I don’t mean to shut them out when all they want to do is help. Why is it that those of us who have been raped feel worse, more ashamed, more embarrassed, etc. than those who rape us? It’s not fair.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. What happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I wish I had a good answer to why those who are raped feel the shame and the embarrassment of those who rape us. It’s SO unfair – the reason it’s unfair is because it’s not ours to feel. It doesn’t matter if you had consensual sex before or if he was your friend; it can still be rape. It can be really hard for people who haven’t been through it to be comforting and it’s completely normal that you’re lashing out at them. My therapist was really helpful in helping me navigate how to talk to my friends about it, so I would encourage you to find a therapist if you can. In my opinion, any additional support you can get is worth it – and something you DESERVE!! You can heal from this. I believe in you!! Love, Alexis