Story Subject: * I thought he was a friend…

I had been friends with this guy for a few months. We were very close. Some people called us “friends with benefits”. He was the guy I lost my virginity to. I thought he was someone I could trust. I still think it’s my fault. He led me on and used me. He told me he didn’t want a relationship and then told me he had a girlfriend. The night he raped me, he cheated on his girlfriend.

I still think it’s my fault, I willingly hung out with him knowing he was a drunk and in a relationship. As he got in my car after we hung out for a few hours, he asked me if I wanted to perform oral sex. I told him I wanted to, but I wasn’t going to because he was in a relationship. He pushed it on me. Next thing I know, I’m being forced to give oral sex. After I had said “no” and “I don’t want to” or “I’m not going to” more times than I can recollect. Right before he penetrated me, I said “no” one last time and the last thing I remember hearing is “yes”.

It didn’t hit me until about a week and a half after it had happened. I kept telling myself that because we had consensual sex in the past, it wasn’t rape. I continue to tell myself he was my friend. I continue to tell myself that because he was my friend, there’s no way it could have been rape.

I don’t know anyone who has been through my situation. My friends are trying to be comforting and are trying to understand. I don’t mean to lash out at them. I don’t mean to shut them out when all they want to do is help. Why is it that those of us who have been raped feel worse, more ashamed, more embarrassed, etc. than those who rape us? It’s not fair.

— Survivor, age 20