STRONG

When I was 8 years old a woman came into me, my brother’s and my dad’s life. My dad fell in love with her. Two years later, he proposed. A year and a half later we moved into her house. She had a nephew who was 17. I had liked her nephew for a while. I thought he was the greatest. Nice handsome funny. I didn’t think he would ever hurt me because he was practically family. But a week before Christmas in 2013 he slept over my house.

Jr slept in my room. I had bunk beds so he slept on top I slept on bottom. We had our ipods and he had messaged me saying how much he liked me. I told jr, I did not believe him. He said he’d prove it by kissing me. I said no. Jr was not a virgin, he had sex with two other girls. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he kissed me out of nowhere. He got in my bed started touching me. I had asked him to stop and he said, “I won’t hurt you. I love you. I always have.” He took my pajamas off me and began raping me.

I wanted it to stop. It hurt so bad. I asked. He said no and that I could not tell anyone. He made me do things I never wanted to do. I went to church everyday praying to god why he would let that happen to me. I felt so nasty, I wish I would have said get off of me, or hit him or screamed but I was so scared and caught up in the moment, I didn’t know if he could hurt me worse, so I went along.

Jr raped me 4 or 5 times. I began cutting and trying suicide. I would steal from stores and people. I wanted help. i wanted to be loved. My family would try hugging me. i would not let them. They tried getting me to hang out with them. I wouldn’t either, i was so terrified that they would hurt me also. I felt so empty. Hopeless. i had nightmares a lot, i cried each night in my room. I would get on my knees at two am when i couldn’t sleep and pray to god that he would help me, and i’d do anything. I lost my faith with him. I got caught stealing one day. It was either i go to court, and get juvi time or go to a group counseling therapy with other teenagers.
At the last day of my group counseling i told the leaders. They said it would be ok. They said they wouldn’t say anything. I went out to the car crying with my makeup running my mom asked why i was crying. I shouted ‘i had sex with jr.’ She looked disgusted and sad, she said why would you do that? i said please don’t say anything my dad would kill him and me, and he’d go crazy. My mom promised me her word. My dad came home mad and my brother said is it true? And my dad said yes. My brother punched a wall. My step mom was terrified asking what happened, and my dad screamed your nephew raped my daughter. He called jr’s dad telling him to get to my step moms house. They put me and him at the table right next to each other and asked what happened exactly? He said it was her she did it. My brother punched him and my dad and his dad got in a fight. Jr got beat up by my brother. i ran outside screaming to the sky why why why me help me god i thought you were real i thought you healed and helped. You’re supposed to be here always and you never are. I thought about running and never stopping. It was 11 pm. i didn’t care what happened. Jr’s dad said i’m calling the police. My dad and brother shouted go ahead, your son is going to jail for raping my daughter, and you’re going to jail for hitting a minor. We went to my sisters and brothers house. My sister said i was a slut and whore just like my mother. They called me all these names. Two days later i met with a detective. i explained what happened. My dad and other sister cried. I held my nephew’s hand crying.

After that i got counseling, but my life turned so hard, everything fell more apart. I felt worthless, as if I should die to make everything better. In december i got in trouble for smoking hooka at school. I drank all the time and smoked, i just wanted the pain to go away. i told the school i would commit suicide if they told my dad. They took me to the hospital and kept me there for four days. I didn’t see my dad till the third day because i was upset. After my second suicide attempt my dad said he couldn’t take it no more, that if i didn’t stop with the cutting and misbehaving he would kill himself and others first. A month later after being on zoloft i decided to change my life and stop being so sad, and be happy. I quit taking zoloft and did better in school. i tried my best in life. I got more therapy and i stopped isolating my self.
I began to feel hope. I knew i needed to change because i didn’t want what happened to me to happen to more girls. So i took a stand. I told people at school. They stared at me and felt sorry, but i didn’t care. I started doing so much better. I want to change the world, change the laws. There is no justice being done and it makes me sick. I am trying to speak at places to parents and children about rape. I hope i am making a difference. I am glad to say i found god when i was going through all my problems. He helped so much. I wouldn’t change what happened to me for the world. This is my gift and this is my plan that god has for me. He has a plan for all of you. Stop being sad and hurt. It’s ok. Be happy, be strong and help others take a stand for what you believe in. TAKE A STAND WITH ME, AND STOP RAPE! You are beautiful and handsome smart and strong, you’re are all survivors and you all have great value.