After my rape, I tried to pretend like everything was okay and stuffed the pain away somewhere deep inside. I finally wrote my story almost a year ago to a friend of mine. At the time I thought I was strong and “over things”, but the truth was, I wasn’t. Writing my story took me through an emotional journey that I definitely didn’t expect to happen, but one that I needed to go through. I now share it again, more publicly, incase my story of what happen to me, might help someone else and incase it encourages someone to share theirs. Sharing your story is scary, I’m scared right now to put my story out there for the world to see, but I know in the end it’s so relieving to let it all out, its empowering and sharing our stories is what makes us survivors become stronger.
I was raped while I was in the military, by my military co-worker that I trusted. I didn’t know him very well, but we had recently spent a deployment together and he was supposed to be like a brother. When you deploy, no matter how well you know your coworker, you fight together and no matter what happens, you always have each other’s back. There is a bond of trust you develop.
A little while after the deployment when I was home, he kept asking to hang out. I was always busy and I knew he could be a bit of a jerk at work, part of me figured that was him trying to be cool in front of the guys, but regardless I didn’t have a desire to hang out with him outside of work. He randomly text me again one night and it happened to be the night that I was going through a break up with my girlfriend. He convinced me it would be good for me to have someone come over to help me get my mind off things. He seemed sincere. He knew I was gay and I trusted him. He came over with drinks and we started drinking and talking. The next thing I remember was him on top of me.
I remember screaming in my head for him to stop, but the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I wanted nothing more than for him to get off of me. Even with all my training I had in the military, my physical strength I had (I have always been physically strong), I couldn’t do anything and I couldn’t move. I laid there as he raped me.
After the rape, I had to see him on almost a daily basis for a few months. He would smirk at me, like he knew I wasn’t going to say or do anything. He knew the situation looked like it was something I wanted to happen. I had invited him over that night and there was alcohol involved.
I share the fact there was alcohol was involved and I invited him over for a few reasons. The situation along with a many other reasons did what keep from reporting it. It also made me question myself about what happen that night for a long time. Did he drug me? Did I black out from drinking? Was it some how my fault? These questions flooded my head for a very log time, but finally I realized, regardless, what he did was rape. There isn’t a bone in my body that wanted to have sex with that man, I didn’t consent and when I woke up with a man on top of me, all I wanted was for him to get off of me, to make it end. When I woke up to what was happening, I was so scared, I was frozen.
It doesn’t matter if alcohol was involved, if you invited the person over, etc. If you didn’t want it to happen, it’s rape. I hope that my story can help others realize, it’s not your fault. I I’m still learning to heal everyday. some days I’m stronger than others, but I’m finally strong enough to not let him win and to use my experience to hopefully help someone else.