Writing this might be one of the most annoying things, but I think it might help me… To think I’m well in my 20s and I just found out hours away I was taken advantage of, it baffles me how me the smart, independent young adult didn’t realise before. To think I had just entered into yet another of my destructing phase and this time I was left with no choice but to think about the consequences and why’s of my behaviour. I come from a good family, went to school traveled and yet in the past month I have been drinking more than any other time, escorted a married man in exchange for favours and now in one week slept with a bunch of different men leaving me with a black eye and very broken soul.
To understand the behaviour best is to say that the night it happened I went on this date with this cute men, not more cute than others but still cute and he insisted to drive me home I was staying at a friend’s house but no one was home and he insisted to come in make sure I would be alright and one thing leading to another he was in the room with me. I guess we kissed but I was mostly trying to be gentle, thank you for tonight but he wouldn’t leave and he convinced me to go further and I really didn’t want to sleep with him but he told me to wait and it would all be over soon. There’s a piece of you that doesn’t realise this is not what it feels like when a boy is interested in you but I didnt’ know what else to do than lay there. When he finished I stood up and went into the shower. He walked in asking what I was doing, as if he was expecting to maybe cuddle. I screamed at him to get out, funny I finally found my voice right… He left and we never spoke until one night I saw him again, we had friends in common, that’s how we met but I wouldn’t dare talk to that asshole and one of the friends I was with must have figured something was bothering me and she asked me what was up. I again so stupidly said there was a guy there I used to date once (as if!). Word must have gotten back to him because suddenly he was the one shocked telling me we had never date. I don’t remember his exact words but the feeling, I was covering for him and still he would act like this?
I was 18, or maybe 19, after this every men I have been with was purely for my enjoyment. I don’t take much pleasure in sleeping with people, I wish there were a way not to be seen as an object, I don’t trust any men anymore, I know for a fact they are all after one thing and they certainly not giving me any reason to believe the contrary. A few days ago this week of me, taking new measures to see how much I could hurt myself, this man who was all over me while I was drunk and lucky my friend was there to stop him and tell him to stay away… Guess what he tried to do tonight, sleep at my house! (It’s 2am, I said no so many times at this point it’s not even a card board I would need but a tattoo: No means No)
That was my story, maybe I will find a smarter way to act, maybe I won’t and maybe writing this will have helped me and maybe it won’t, time will! Wish you all the luck you ladies out there.
— Survivor, age 26
Dear survivor,
It takes a lot of courage and strength to look at the reasons why you are behaving the way you are. I just want you to know that everything you wrote about is common in the aftermath of assault and rape. It takes some survivors a long time to figure it out. You are not what happened to you and you can work through this. You are worthy of love and happiness and there are good people in the world who are trustworthy. It takes a long time to trust again. I hope sharing your story helped you and I hope that you find hope knowing that you are not alone. In solidarity, Alissa
I’m terribly sorry for what happened to you, my wife is a rape survivor and was 19 at the time it happened. It destroyed her life and nearly led her to suicide. I fell in love with her and spent two years helping her work past what happened. My point is, not every man views women as “objects” and not all of us “only want one thing.” If you are now only seeing men for one night stands or short terms purely for “your enjoyment” that isnt the path to finding a healthy relationship. Just believe me that there are in fact guys out there that see you as a whole person, and look in places more conducive to healthy relationships. Looking for love in a bar has disaster written all over it. I hope you are able to recover from this terrible experience, just dont give up is all.