Writing this might be one of the most annoying things, but I think it might help me… To think I’m well in my 20s and I just found out hours away I was taken advantage of, it baffles me how me the smart, independent young adult didn’t realise before. To think I had just entered into yet another of my destructing phase and this time I was left with no choice but to think about the consequences and why’s of my behaviour. I come from a good family, went to school traveled and yet in the past month I have been drinking more than any other time, escorted a married man in exchange for favours and now in one week slept with a bunch of different men leaving me with a black eye and very broken soul.
To understand the behaviour best is to say that the night it happened I went on this date with this cute men, not more cute than others but still cute and he insisted to drive me home I was staying at a friend’s house but no one was home and he insisted to come in make sure I would be alright and one thing leading to another he was in the room with me. I guess we kissed but I was mostly trying to be gentle, thank you for tonight but he wouldn’t leave and he convinced me to go further and I really didn’t want to sleep with him but he told me to wait and it would all be over soon. There’s a piece of you that doesn’t realise this is not what it feels like when a boy is interested in you but I didnt’ know what else to do than lay there. When he finished I stood up and went into the shower. He walked in asking what I was doing, as if he was expecting to maybe cuddle. I screamed at him to get out, funny I finally found my voice right… He left and we never spoke until one night I saw him again, we had friends in common, that’s how we met but I wouldn’t dare talk to that asshole and one of the friends I was with must have figured something was bothering me and she asked me what was up. I again so stupidly said there was a guy there I used to date once (as if!). Word must have gotten back to him because suddenly he was the one shocked telling me we had never date. I don’t remember his exact words but the feeling, I was covering for him and still he would act like this?
I was 18, or maybe 19, after this every men I have been with was purely for my enjoyment. I don’t take much pleasure in sleeping with people, I wish there were a way not to be seen as an object, I don’t trust any men anymore, I know for a fact they are all after one thing and they certainly not giving me any reason to believe the contrary. A few days ago this week of me, taking new measures to see how much I could hurt myself, this man who was all over me while I was drunk and lucky my friend was there to stop him and tell him to stay away… Guess what he tried to do tonight, sleep at my house! (It’s 2am, I said no so many times at this point it’s not even a card board I would need but a tattoo: No means No)
That was my story, maybe I will find a smarter way to act, maybe I won’t and maybe writing this will have helped me and maybe it won’t, time will! Wish you all the luck you ladies out there.
— Survivor, age 26