So about a week ago today I went through something I never thought I’d go through. I blacked out for what seemed like an entire day. When I woke all I remembered was flashes of having sex with this dude I thought I’d be safe around. I never liked him really, nothing about him attracted me. He dated my college roommate and at a point I dated his very close friend. When I woke up I truly believe I myself had made a mistake and all I could think about was the person that I dated being hurt. I let him know I didn’t remember anything, he never mentioned the sex but he mentioned I was passed out in the back of his car when we go to the location I woke up in, an unfamiliar house, a strangers home. I didn’t even have on my clothes, I think I had on his shirt and my friends bra. I felt uncomfortable this was not like me at all. Then my friend told me that we went to a paint party which he and another man carried me out of the party because I was unresponsive and unable to walk. According to her we had planned to go to a friends house directly across the street, her and the other man that helped carry me went to the building and waited for us. This man had thrown me in the back of his car and pulled up to where my friend was with different plans. He says he was drunk and shouldn’t have been driving, but being that everyone was across the street he really didn’t have to drive so I don’t know why he did what he did next. He drove me to the other mans home deep downtown, passed my house. In his words as I “tumbled in his back seat getting paint everywhere”. Then I guess I woke up but still I don’t remember, I had gotten into the shower with my friend because we were covered in paint, she tells me he came in and took out his penis, then she had said something which cause him to leave. when confronted with this he said to me he had just come in to tell us to hurry, we were butt naked, and he could’ve yelled that from the other side of the door. She says he came back and I guess he asked me if I specifically wanted him to get in the shower, I don’t know what I said but at this point I was beyond drunk and he knew it, I had just been passed out, I was not coherent and extremely intoxicated. I don’t know how the sex began or even how it finished, im sure I slurred my words and was extremely sloppy in the way I carried myself. All I remember was two flashes of the sex, just two quick flashes and then I’m up. He’s cleaning asking me my shoes and knowing the answer to every possible question we had like my friend didn’t know where her bra was and he knew it was on me, did he put it on me? did he shower me after the sex? I don’t know. I just know that I woke up unaware of where I was still feeling buzzed. And here he was not mentioning we had sex at all, if it wasn’t for those flashes I wouldn’t have known, he drove me back home and that was that. In the last week people have been filling in the blanks for me. A girl on my campus that doesn’t even know mw went to my friend concerned 3 days later saying she had seen me and I didn’t look okay my shades were on but my body looked like it was not responding to me, she asked if I was okay I laughed, he said I was fine. Another guy whom I was told I asked for a kiss at the party told me he didn’t kiss me because I was too drunk. If these people all knew I was too drunk how did this dude who literally had to carry me out and was sober enough to function a car, not know? Or did he know and take the opportunity to take me somewhere so that this exactly can go down, he said he had every intention of letting me sleep the night so why didn’t he take me home? Right now I am not okay, this has consumed my mind and I feel empty letting him go free like this, I heard this wasn’t his first incident which scares me even more because what happened when I was in that car alone with him. Guys please help me build the courage, I have the clothes from that night in a bag. I am not okay.
— Survivor, age 21