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The Hole in My Heart

For a long time, I have been living with a hole in my heart, and for a long time I did not mention to anyone that I was raped, in fact, the person who raped me, made himself out to be “the good guy” who everyone got to know…and love, for he was the “nice guy” to everyone, seemed to always be so caring towards others, helping out all the time, and I thought he was a caring person. But in time, I came to realize that his “niceness” was just an act.

I was going to college, was really busy with school and didn’t have that much time for a relationship with anyone, and so I remained somewhat distant from him, while I was in school. We went out, he got to know my room-mates, and was considered a “friend” to us all..we started going out more and getting more serious as I began to have more time, after graduation, after I started working full time, and started to get settled in my career. One night I was staying at his house, and in the middle of the night I woke up to him on top of me..I had no idea what was going on, I was still half asleep and when I started to wake up, groggy and all, it was as if what was happening wasn’t happening, I first thought I was dreaming, then started to think is he half asleep himself and is dreaming himself??I couldn’t understand what was going on, while it was happening, I couldn’t get my bearings, since I was in a deep sleep when this was happening.

It was dark and I felt lost, confused and scared. I remember feeling frozen there, in a state of shock I think, and after he finished, he turned as if nothing happened. I said to him, what just happened, what did you just do? He didn’t answer me, he scoffed with a laugh and said he couldn’t help himself, that I was laying there, and he was thinking of me.

Writing about this is actually making me feel a little better knowing that this pain that has been in my heart for so long, has a place to go, a place where all our voices can connect to become a united force, telling the world, that this is happening to us, and it is real.

Writing this story here, makes what happened to me real, and that has been something difficult for me to accept, for a long time, I wanted nothing other than to block this out of my mind, heart and soul…but its not possible, the pain is so excruciating and deep rooted, the only way for healing is by speaking about it and having a place for the truth to go. I have not told my family or any friends, about this, for my family have not been supportive of me in my life in general, the women in my family have always been somewhat competitive and extremely mean spirited, and perhaps I was looking for someone to feel safe with, someone non competitive and caring, and he seemed to be someone I believed I was safe with. I wasn’t safe with him, obviously, he was grooming me apparently, using kindness and caring to somewhat earn my trust and once I did, he raped me, just like that.

It was horrifying, to feel tricked is what hurts so much, you start questioning yourself, wondering how you could make a mistake about a person, how you could trust someone who has this hidden agenda your not aware of. I journal everyday to God, swim during the week, watch movies I love. I’ve come to learn that healing is a process and my heart is my guide, leading me to wherever it needs, to heal. I was going through Netflix for movies to watch and came across Brave Miss World, my heart led me to you. God led me to you and I thank you. I sincerely thank you with all my heart, holes and all.

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