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The Loss of My Childhood

Hello I’m Anthony.
It is almost 1:30 in the morning and I just finished watching Brave Miss World. I most say that your soul reached out to me and brought out so many emotions about my rape as a child. I was 8 or so its been many, many years ago. I was raped by my mothers best friend’s husband over a period of 2 years and can remember it as if it were yesterday. I can remember the smells and the taste and the sadness. This I have been carrying around for the last 44 years, I will be 53 this year. The details of this I never spoke of and I will and must say or write tonight as I obviously after seeing Linor’s story have never been free of that moment in time. I was told never to say anything to anyone and I had finally told my mother what had happened but never the details, of course! I wanted to protect her from the anguish and shame I had carried for so long. She has passed 12 years ago now and I am glad to have spared her the details. However, I find myself thinking about those tragic years and how simply brutal it had been for myself as a little boy and how this monster changed my life. As a little boy I had always been androgynous and looked very feminine, I was raised with 4 women. And no men in my life to protect me from harm and he used that to his advantage. I used to play dress up with his step son and he knew about it cause he caught us one day. He said that he wouldn’t tell anyone and left it at that. One day I was outside skating and I guess his wife and her son were away he saw me skating outside and motioned for me to come over and I did. I thought nothing of it until I got inside the house he only had on shorts and asked me if I wanted some wine that I would be OK that his stepson drinks with him too. I found it odd then thinking back, that my friend and his mother were not home. I remember that he said he needed to fix up the bedroom because it was not clean. He went into the room and I was left alone for a few moments until he called for me to come and help him. I remember walking into the room and him closing the door behind us. I realized he had only his underwear on and then he closed the door and lock it. I can remember starting to cry and him telling me to stop or he would really hurt me. He began chasing me around the room pulling at my pants. Finally he got on top of me I remember the horror of his weight on my back and trying to not to let him take my pants off. I may have started to scream so he turned me over and said that if I didn’t do what he wanted he would hurt my mother and sisters and that I had to do what he said. So he turn me on my back and had me pinned down. I cant even start to type this down even after all these years what he did. I remember wanting to bite down but he told me again if I tried to do anything NO ONE would believe me and he would tell that I wanted him to do those horrific things to me. Also that I dressed up in girls clothes and that there was no man around in my life that would be able to stop him. After he was done he tried to take my pants off again I was able to run for the door and get free. Well not really, physically yes mentally no. I remember him yelling as I was crying on my way home to my grandmother and her asking me what happened. I could only tell her that I fell and hurt myself. I can’t honestly say how long there after that he told me I needed to do what he wanted again or he would tell everything. So I gave in and did what he wanted for the next few years, although he occasionally had other men around for me to do these things to as he watched. I couldn’t stop it. I was so ashamed of myself and full of guilt and thought he would hurt my family if I didn’t do what he wanted all the while. This went on for nearly 2 years I was 10 and maybe he felt, I don’t know what he felt! It just stopped. I became heavily involved with drugs at 11 years old I guess to numb myself. I do remember when finally I told my mother part of this and very little about she this period in my life. Was in complete shock and ask why didn’t I tell any one I told her I needed to protect her and my sisters. I did search for this man after I was older and grown into a young man, only to hurt him but never found his whereabouts. Maybe it was better that way. I had so much hatred for him for robbing me of my childhood making me feel so dirty and worthless for so many years. I could have done some really bad harm to him because I had finally become a man. I asked my mother at that time if she knew if he was still alive and she said that he had passed away many years prior. At that point I had to forgive myself and forgive him and let go of the memories this horrible person put this little boy in me through. I hadn’t thought about it so much till this evening like I mentioned before and needed to tell someone, somewhere that could understand. I am still healing after all these years but my heart and soul are in balance today. I thank you for bringing cleansing tears to my eyes as I now feel more awakened In knowing that I am not alone and god is watching and protecting me as he had all along. I can tell that little boy we are safe …

Please excuse my writing as I am not a writer, just needed to say what was on my mind!

Om Shanti, blessings and mazel tov on your new life.

— Anthony Baltazar, age 52

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman


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