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The Man Who Never Was

I would like to go back to December 19th of 2016, the charming man I met all in black, his hair down and his fedora hat, the man who has this smile, this look in his eyes, who danced with me, and said hurry up guys this girl and I have to get married, I was a girl with self confidence, I was in college on my way to gain a career working with children, I had happiness and self belief in the world around me, I lived in a world of sunshine, no darkness, no clouds, sure I had my fair share of hurt like everyone else. I want you to look at me now, really look at me because I am unrecognizable, I was already tiny I wasn’t someone that needed to lose weight, I fixed my hair, did my makeup I took care of myself, I had strength, I was healthy. I look at myself in the mirror and the only reflection I see is a girl who shattered, broken hearted, I feel like a puzzle that was once completed, that was picked up and thrown only to be shattered. I have lost e very piece of me into your lies, and manipulations, your twisted world that makes no sense to me. I fell into you stories of betrayal, hurt, I felt sorry for you I wanted so much to be that girl who could change you, show you love since you told me how awful your ex was, and how she controlled you, cheated on you, and how all your friends tried to sleep with her, how you couldn’t afford to live in two different houses, how she up and left you during your aneurysm, you told me you were a famous band guy and you traveled all over with famous rock stars, but winter was a slow season for you. How you were in a custody battle over a dog name roxy and you so much want to go and rescue the dog that she probably has it tied up outside. How you were a babysitter for this woman. We never went on dates, we never could get a photo together yet I was haunted by all the stories of your ex’s, every corner I turned their was a piece of everyone you ever dated, and here was a girl who love d you, didn’t judge you, a girl wanting so much to be loved back the same, and I’d get well I don’t know you. A man who would find excuses to cover his own guilt but in truth here was a man not over his ex, a man who was caught between two woman, one he loved, and one he was infatuated with. Your favorite saying was in a heartbeat baby. Do you remember when I rented that hotel room for us, I wanted a nice quiet romantic time away, I wanted to do something special I didn’t invite you at first because you had plans and I just wanted to do something different. You wanted to go to a bar a place your more comfortable, you say food is over priced, its a lot cheaper than addiction of drinking. You asked me to give you money so you could buy me drinks and not look like an asshole, you told me its rude to go to a bar and not have a drink. You phanthom a lie about my friend and when I confronted it you got angry, but really I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t about to get on a bike with a man who behaves like that, you drove off and told me it was over, never to hear from you again. I had to bed and plead and humiliate myself and apologize so you didn’t look like a jerk, your reputation is everything to you. Its always been about you and your terms. But the people on the journey told me to beware, you act like a victim yet you have created your own chaos in your life. You have given yourself a bad name way before I came along. After your accident, watching you pump all those pills like candy, drinking smoking, but telling me you have heart problems, and internal problems I watched you sleep day after did as I attended your every need, laundry, ensuring you eat, making sure you take those milk thistle vitamins like your friend advised for your liver, laying next to you just to hear you breathe, just to listen to your heart beat. I was so angry when you played that night I was so worried. I was running between two houses everyday , dealing with my own health but I always put you first, I never complained of my pain, I watched you from the moment we were in the hospital that night up until recently. Filling out all your paper work for you, buying anything and everything I could to try and help your pain. You would drive anyone in the world at no cost I was always expected to pay gas money. Everything about you, you had a motive. Remember the time you picked me up to go camping and you asked me what was wrong and you said are you sure that’s all that’s wrong? Do you remember after goderich we got intimate and it hurt a lot and you acted as if I was the strange one and shortly after during a bonfire you stated I cheated and laughed. I watched you day after day sitting in a trailer smoking your heart out and drinking. Intrigued by the latest gossip of facebook. Facebook is your reality. You would hate if I posted memes because you assume everything is about you but yet you posted this entire thing on social media where you are attacking me and recruiting flying monkeys where you primates are saying and doing obnoxious things, since I have been with you you have managed to pay your mortgage through the means of others, I wanted to have a life with you and build a family but I couldn’t do that with a man who had no ambition or motivation to make a life for himself and his own family, I watched you spend your money on your own terms but faded from responsibility. You are a man and it is your job to be responsible for your own life and your own house. You are a father. Your job was and is never done being a father. You live in a delusional world of being a famous rock star. Your just a local town guy who jams in his room like a teenager having rehearsals, you feed off the rush of attention that is like iv feeding life to your veins. I pushed and pushed for you to be a better man, live a better life, what have I done to deserve this any of this? Yelling at me for helping a kid out. Because you had to wait. I waited a year for you to love me, a year for you to give me the respect I deserved, I ended up with an std and yet you never had an aswer expect you don’t think I will like who you are. I washed your hair, cleaned and shaved your balls, I washed your ass for you. Bathing you, massaging you, you told me to clean your ears because mandy use to. Theirs men and woman out their who eats people like you for breakfast for punching dogs.

What did I ever do to deserve this treatment from you? I have only ever cared about and loved you but all you have ever thought about is yourself. Our ‘relationship’ in whatever form that has taken has been dictated on your terms the whole time and you have reveled in holding power over me. I have been a toy to you. I’m fun to play with until you get bored and then you discard me and dispose of me like I’m worthless. But it never ends there. A few weeks or months later you remember how fun that game was and you come back to repeat your vicious cycle all over again. And each time I’m broken and discarded the damage on my mind and spirit becomes more irreparable.

But you make me feel as though it’s my fault. You twist everything that happens to make it seem like I have let you down and you’re the injured martyr. You claim that I have problems and emotional insecurities and this is projected onto me so much I start believing that maybe I do have a problem. And then without a conscious thought I find myself groveling with apologies, wanting you to forgive me and you throw them back in my face or ignore them coldly with silence. You have no regard for my feelings at all and you never have done.

I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you’ve done to me for the past year and a half. And the fact that I know how poisonous you are for me and yet I can’t let you go makes me angrier than anything. I love you but I hate you. And oh God I wish I didn’t love you so much. But you do that to people don’t you? You’ve developed this knack of making people think you’re undeniably kind and caring and wonderful. How could you ever do anything wrong or hurtful when you’re so “nice?” Well maybe it’s good I know the truth now as others may not be so lucky.
How does a man like you walk? I’m so angry that I have always allowed you to have the upper hand in every situation and yet again you’ve left me sitting here without a voice while you get away smiling at your victory in your sick game of power play. You sir are a dangerous man in your own mind, your own world. You mimic love and feelings, you are not capable of love and that’s sad. Im not a bad person and im not guilty of anything I’m only guilty of giving you my heart and soul. Im guilty of allowing myself to stay with a man who never loved me, do you know how tiring and exhausting it was to hear he doesn’t love you? He has a motive? He is just using you? The haunting stories of your past are like a nightmare I cant run from, I look at the good in you and I cant grasp any of it, yet I look at the circle of people you surround yourself in and you could be and do so much better.

1 comment

  • Alexis

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