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The Reason I Feel Alone

I will start by saying, I was not rape in the sense that I was not penetrated by this person. My father left my mother many years ago, when I was just a baby. My mother a young girl struggled through life to bring food to the table, after many years of being a single mother she finally met someone who wanted to marry her and accepted her with her teenage daughter.

When I was 15, my step father came in to my life, they married and moved in together with my mom and myself. He worked during the night so he would get home at the time I would get home from school and would always find a way to play with me, to tickle me until i fell on the floor and he would get on top of me and kiss me. The first few times I didn’t think anything wrong…. I was an innocent child who had never talked to anyone about sex or kissed anyone. To me it was a simple smooch from a father figure. Until it kept happening day after day until I realized what was happening. Every time he would kiss me it would be longer.

Just like it started, it stopped. My mom got pregnant and we moved in to a new place. I had my own room. I was sleeping (with pajamas on as always) when I feel that someone came in my room, I was awake but I try not to move, it was him…. He came into my room and pulled my pants away from my body and I quickly moved like changing positions. He froze until he saw I didn’t wake up and left my room.

I woke up and cried and cried and thought about so many things …. On what should I do? If I should tell someone? Who was the right person to tell? What should I say? Will people believe me? It was time for school so I woke up went to take a shower…. And I remember scrubbing myself with the sponge so hard because i felt dirty, i felt like I had provoked him in some way.

I went to school and I had a teacher who was a good friend. I told her, she called my mom and asked her to pick me up, to don’t allow him to pick me up. So my mother thought the worst in me. She thought I had sex and got pregnant. But I was still a virgin at the time. She became, furious. The teacher asked me to tell her what happened. So I did. She started crying, she drove us home, opened the door and there he was in the couch carrying my new born baby sister. So my mom took her from him and started crying and yelling “how could you” “why would you do that” and he acted lost, he pretended not to know what I was talking about….. Until i grabbed a knife put it to his chest and said… You are going to tell me in my face you did not try something on me this morning?????? I will stab you I swear!

Him and my mother went into the room and talked. My mom didnt speak to him or me for a few days. We remained in the same house…. We still do. He is still married to my mother, its like from one day to another everything was erased from her memory. She never did anything about it…. And since there was no actual rape I couldn’t either.

From that point on he has always directed what I wore, or what time I had to be home when I went out. He is always jealous of my boyfriends. I now have a wonderful son who I love very much….but this always hunts me inside. Specially the fact that my own mother decided to be a wife before being a mother. I hope to never be like that with my son.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman


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