The Silent But Haunting Wounds Of Rape

I’ve been raped twice (I’ll write about my second rape later on).

The first rape I was 17 yrs, traveling in Greece. I had to go by ship to travel between islands.

One evening, I met a man on the ship, he paid me a coffee and we had a chat. As I had no cabin to sleep in, he offered me to share his own cabin, to have a decent and secure place to go. I trusted him. I followed him. I never thought something bad could occur, not on a ship, not with so many people around.

Once in his cabin, he started being violent, stuck me in the opposite corner of the door and asked me to undress. Then he pushed me on the bed. He sat on my chest, his sex was right above my face and he was trying to put it in my mouth. I was suffocating. I was so scared, I tried to do everything he asked me. After a while, he turned me around, hold me tight and raped me. Twice. I was crying and begging him to stop. Once he was done, I was in shock. I was shaking from all over my body. I had hard time dressing up because of my body shakings.

Then in a matter of second I found the courage to open the door and run away. He chased me. The corridors were empty. There was nobody. It was late at night. I was screaming as loud as I could, hearing his steps behind me. I was so scared he could catch me up and beat me. I managed to hide. After a while, I arrived at the reception. I told my story. The captain came and said that the next day we’ll go to the police station. He let me sleep in his cabin.

I thought it was my fault, and I had what I deserved by not having been enough careful.

At the police station, nobody believed me. It was awful to be taken for a liar and a slut. After a while, I run away on the street screaming in front of people, ‘he raped me, he raped me’. Policemen came to pick me up as I was having a nervous crisis. They started to listen to me. I wanted to press charges.

Because I was a minor, this man would have had 5 years in jail. The policeman had to leave us for a while, I was alone with my rapist, in front of me, he was asking for forgiveness. And I thought I’d never be able to wake up every morning, for the next 5 years of my life knowing he was in jail. Because of me. It’s what I thought.

I was 17 years. I had food disorders, substance use, sexual disorders for 19 years. But I didn’t want to see the link between the rape and all these disorders and suffers.

I’m now 37 years and realize that more I dug this pain and trauma, deeper the wound was.

I want to speak up. I’m not ashamed anymore.

THANK YOU LINOR !

I’ll write later about my second rape, while I was pregnant of 3 months.

— Helene, age 37