This is a very long story but I feel this is the only way I can tell it. I am a survivor of not one but two rapes. I will start by saying I’ve never written down my stories and I’ve only told my two closes friends and my family knows of both after the second rape happened. I still struggle to this day with the ptsd which has gotten worse since the second rape which happened almost two years ago but I am learning to live again and let go of the pain.
My first rape was when I was 15 years old a month before my 16th birthday. I was dating a guy we will call him A. We dated for 6 months. I was a Christian girl been a Christian my whole life I was a firm believer in no sex before marriage as it is taught that way in the christian faith. A would constantly pressure me to do sexual things with him that should have been my warning signs but I was blinded like most by the so called love I thought at 15 years old. A would go to church with me and said he believed. After about 3 months into our relationship A started get abusive mostly verbally but there was physical and sexual that I let go because of the blind love. He always criticize my looks tell me I was over weight all the time and that I shouldn’t eat (I was 5’2″ and 120 pounds and still am to this day. He would get physical with me if I tried to pull away when he make out with me I thought making out was the grosses thing ever at the time and didn’t lik e it. When he get sexual with me where times I be at his house for bonfires and he drag me inside where no one was and have me do oral sex on him and had me convince oral sex wasn’t real sex so it didn’t break my “oath” of no sex before marriage other times it be in the woods behind his house out of the light and sight of his family and even my family. I tried breaking up with him 2 times and each time he tell me he was going to kill himself and even walked down to the bridge near his house and jumped and had his sisters call me freaking out because they saw him jump and couldn’t find him. The bridge he jump was a known swimming whole everyone jumped off that bridge he jumped and swam down stream and hid in the woods for 2 hrs before walking home. On his 18th birthday 6 months into our relationship we went to the local skating rink my favorite thing to do at that time and still to this day we went all the time with my family. My dad was a huge Christian at the time and never allowed me to stay the night at a boys house and they couldn’t stay at ours. Well A told me to convince my dad to let me stay the night it was his birthday he wanted to spend the night watching movies with me which we did often. Well I convinced my dad by telling him A was going to a friend’s house and I was going to a hang with his sister K. That night I kinda a blur once we got to a his house. I remember him giving me a drink of juice. We went into his room to watch American Pie (I can’t watch any of those movies now their pretty gross and bad anyways). I remember passing out next thing is remember is waking up to the movie playing at the main title screen and A had his hand down my pants and fingers inside me. I told him to stop and he said it was alright it’s not sex I grabbed his hand and pulled it away. He got angry and said can’t you just live for once and stop being so uptight about this and before it could think or do anything he ripped my pants and panties off pinned my legs down and grabbed both my arms and held them with one hand while he upon did his own pants. I don’t remember him using protection all I remember is whimpering out a cry of no and then I went blank I just cried and stared at the ceiling until he finished when he finished I came back to reality saw him take the condom off and toss it and I felt so dirty and horrible I grabbed my pants threw them on and I heard him say that was nice virgin girl I told you you would like it and did left his room crying I was afraid to go home and afraid to wake anyone up so I just fell to the floor in the hallway crying to myself paralyzed I remember his sister asking what was wrong and I told her and she didn’t believe me I was so angry that I got up and ran home which was across town about a 10 min walk. I snuck up to my room and cried until the sun came up and showered and never spoke of that Incident to anyone but my close friend a year later after seeing cuts on my arm when I was changing for gym and I told her why I did it she was a self harmer so she knew what it was right away. 6 years later and I still see A from time to time and I get anxiety when I see him but I do not show it to him I act like what he did to me means nothing I will not live in fear and I won’t show him that he has won defeat over my life.
Now my story about B. I still have great self blame and issues with B because it’s still a fairly fresh wound and i should have never let it happen after what what I went through with A. I met B online. He was very sweet. We met after talking awhile. We met in a public park (lots of family’s and cops all day long In spring since winter finally over) we talked for like 2 hrs and I found out that his family went to my church and I went to school with his brother. We dated for 3 months in that time he damaged me like no other human has. He was sweet for like the first month then turned nasty. We went from having dates to him coming over to my mother’s apartment for the weekend and would drink a 18-24 case of coors light beer (I can’t even see see a can of that shit without wanting to cry or go puke) he would get so wasted and try to get me to drink or sleep with him. I was a “virgin” but a month into our relationship I willingly had sex with him after that was when he went from sweet to drunk in 2.5 sec. Every weekend he come over Thursday – Sunday he would want sex almost every day if not twice a day and if i said no he say I didn’t love him or care so I give in to him. I guess u can say B raped me numerous times because he would coerce me I gn to sex one way or another and I to be honest I didn’t enjoy sex at all it hurt and I brought up lots of memories. 3 months into our relationship I had enough I was loosing everything and myself in stood my ground one night and he got mad and said it was a bipolar b..ch and didn’t care about him and stormed out about 5 minutes later he came back to get his beer and I said I wasn’t chasing him. Well I was at work 2 months later and got a text from B asking to meet at the park after work. I went and met him at did he told me how his grandfather passed away and he missed me. I told him I couldn’t do us without respect and him drinking and he told me he quit drinking and he would respect my wishes we talked for awhile and fished and had a good time he asked to come back to my mom’s place for the night he didn’t have a ride home so he came over. He went outside for smoke I sent him a text saying no sex was happening he said okay. We went to bed watching TV, I remember wanting to go out for a smoke and he grabbed me and said I couldn’t smoke if he couldn’t have sex we fought if freed from his grasp had my smoke and when I came back in he was “asleep” I snuck into bed and just as I was asleep he turned over and ripped my pants off and pinned me and started having his way I told him no in between sobs I couldn’t believe again I was such a fool and he kept asking do you like this and I turned away and he just kept asking and he went to grab my face so force me to look at him which freed my hand away tend I swung and hit him in the jaw (was told police he went to hospital with a concussion) he fell to my side and asked why I hit him and and I screamed because you don’t listen and ran to the bathroom away did stayed there texting my dad (who lives across the country) and my best friend my best friend picked me up around 3am and stayed with her I felt like I was dead my bff had never seen me like I was she didn’t know what to do I sobbed on her couch until morning afraid to sleep i passed out crying. I reported to the police was told I had enough evidence by police and nurse to be told two weeks later I didn’t have enough it was a he said she said case. I lost everything after second rape I was a walking zombie I lost my faith I was angry with God everyone.
I say all this that I believe again I live my life by this motto there is no life in the past only in the future is there life. What happened to me has its effects but I don’t dwell on it I live my life to my best and wake up looking for a positive in my life instead of the negative. I hope my story encourages others.