When at a party, highly intoxicated, a boy thought it was okay to take kissing to mean forceful fingering, to mean trying to have sex even when there was blood everywhere, leaving her with a fear of sex contributing to a psychological problem called vaginismus, preventing her from enjoying sex for the next 4 years.
When at work, male staff think it is okay to make jokes about girls looks, breasts, figures, womanhood, sexuality. To make fun of rumour of girls ‘promiscuity’. To inappropriately slap an arse, laugh it off.
When back at his, after a girl says enough is enough, she doesn’t want to do anything anymore, just go home, a boy thinks it is okay to consistently tell her not to leave. Stop her from leaving. Convince her to stay the night ‘nothing will happen’, so she can go home ‘safely’ in the morning, then, when the girl is asleep, climb on top of her, pull out his tiny cock and fondle himself, and when said girl wakes up, try to put his tiny cock in her hands.
When in a club, a man thinks it is okay to turn around, grab a girl by the throat, and try to strangle her.
When in a club, a girl kisses a boy, decides not to kiss him any more, and this gives said boy the ‘right’ to follow said girl around the club, grabbing her arse, trying to kiss her again, even when the answer is no.
When at work, the head chef of a restaurant thinks it is okay to make crude comments such as ‘ohhh, the way you look right now, is giving me a hard on’… in the process of handing a dish of food out to said girl to be delivered to a table.
When walking through the streets at midday, a man thinks it is okay to come up to a girl, grab her on the arse, then run off.
And out off all these times, when have I reacted and done something about it? I think my own inability to react and to say no, to let the perpetrator know they are doing something wrong, is what makes this all harder to accept.
— Survivor, age 20
You’ve got it.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing this. Not being able to react – or freezing – is a common response to fear and to trauma. The fact that you didn’t react does NOT make it your fault. Any of it. And it doesn’t make it ok. I really relate to what you’re saying about inappropriate things being said at work (among other things); how no one says anything because we wouldn’t want to make him “uncomfortable”… nevermind all of the women who already are.
It can really be overwhelming sometimes the way rape culture is ingrained into society; how all of these things are seen by so many other people and no one says anything. I often think about whose responsibility it is to say something. Why do we always put the onus on the one being assaulted? In a club there are so many other people around. Sure some are far away and don’t see what’s happening but what about the ones who do? What portion is on them?
Please know you are not alone and I’m grateful that you shared this here. Love, Alexis
Well written, well stated. I am proud of you that at 20 yrs old you are writing this and asking these questions for you and your fellow survivors, when no one deserves this behavior. I have experienced all of it except strangling thank God. I am going to speculate you may not be silent,freezing much longer, you sound like a hero – but anything you write or feel is in your power and is never wrong. You are asking these questions at a crucial time- the perpetrators have no more “excuses”, they are beginning to suffer consequences for their bad actions. Thank you for speaking up here and defining rape culture so eloquently.