I was 14 when we started our relationship, we were together for about 5-6 months maybe before the first time. I went through 3 years of it, being a regular thing. The last time I was 17 and left him when I was 18. The first time I had just had a shower, and comfortably got on the bed. He had just bought a new batch of weed, and it made him violent. He started to scare me. The next thing i knew it was happening. I cried and cried and told him to get off. But he was much stronger than me. When he was finished I just stayed where I was, terrified and ashamed. He sat on the floor rocking backwards and forwards crying, saying he didn’t know why he did it and that he loved me so much and he was sorry. I felt bad for him… now this makes me angry. that I was fooled into feeling sorry for him even though he had done what he did. I can’t count how many times it happened. I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and he would have his hand between my legs, or he would be trying to….. (sorry, I cant use the word in relation to him)Most of the time i just shut myself out. Another time I had kissed one of his friends behind his back. When i brought up the courage to tell him…. he did it again on my living room floor. I wanted to kill myself after that. I walked into the kitchen crying and shamed, he followed me and told me not to and that he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again and that he just got so angry. I had become accustomed to it and I loved him so much . For years, I ignored what was happening, or what had happened. It started to catch up with me over a year and a half ago. I’m now in counseling for it, and working on panic attacks for what we believe are part of ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) I dream about it regularly. Last week I dreamed about just staring into his eyes, and that he asked me why we aren’t talking. I said it was because I knew what he had done. I told my mum this year. Baring in mind this happened in 2009. (first time) I struggle with the thought that justice hasn’t been given to me. Because I was stupid enough not to go to the police. (that’s how I feel, I hope I don’t offend anyone. because I understand not going to them) but in the long run I realize this isn’t something I can hide or suppress, which I did for years and it worked… until it stopped working and my body and mind couldn’t cope anymore. I still haven’t gone to the police. I hate that because even if i did nothing would be done. He wouldn’t go down. He would be arrested… possibly. but there is no evidence. and they will ask me if that was the case why didn’t you leave him. I’m feeling stronger recently. My counseling is helping me understand parts of why I am acting the way i am and thinking the way I am. That makes me feel more sane. I have a very supportive partner now, we have been together for almost 3 years, he is aware of the situation and just understands somehow. Because of him I have been able to pick my self up. Im starting to believe that I’m smart enough to complete a degree. I’m currently doing a social work course, because I want to use my experience to help others. They say “the broken healer” this is a term thats used for someone who has been broken, and possibly still is, but wants to help others, and help fix them. If he does it to someone else i will feel sick to my stomach because I didn’t report him. I HATE HIM. I will hate him until I love myself. I always lacked self esteem. however I was still always happy. recently I’m happy again. But for a while I wanted to just block myself from the world. I would cry and sit alone on my lunch breaks at work. I cried at least 5 times a day. Even though I was in a brilliant relationship. Its then that what happened in my past hit me. But I’m getting there… to being the happiest and achieving in life.
— Molly, age 22
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