These Men are More Protected Than We Are

I can’t tell names. I can’t publicly announce who they were because they’re protected by a law that says I could be sued for defamation. This makes me so angry! I was the one that was harassed, manipulated, attacked. And yet every one of them walks free. These men. Many men. As young as I can remember, it was my brother. My mother swept it under the carpet and I was never allowed to speak up. We pretended he never. He got away with it. Then there was my step father’s friend. I was only a pre-teen. He was an older Hungarian man. Then my horse back riding teacher and friend. I was 15. He was 35. I got pregnant. My mother called me a little slut and took me to have an abortion. I can still hear the beating heart. My mother is still friends with this man. I worked at a cellphone company. The man that was training me, he took me to a hotel and raped me. My step father was always abusive and evil. Always threatening, always mean. He’d hit me when my mother wasn’t looking. One day he showed me his penis, exclaiming that he couldn’t get it hard for my mother. Later in life I got married. I was at a party with my husband’s female friends. Some guy slipped a roofie into my drink and next thing I knew he was on top of me in some trailer. My husband told me he felt like I cheated on him. He was abusive anyway, and sexually too. He had an emotional incest thing going with his sister and his mother both. I divorced him and met someone else later on. He’d molest me in my sleep, and treat me like crap. He was gaslighting. Our next door neighbor, who was a cop, started coming around and harassing me. But I was so stupid to see his intentions. He assaulted me in my own kitchen, and played it off as if there were “mixed signals.” I believed him. Next thing I know, the next time I saw him he forced himself onto me. I struggled so hard to get away, but he had me in a ch oke hold. He had his weapons on display, and after a years worth of manipulation and scare tactics I was afraid for my life. So I froze. I froze just like the multiple other times with everyone else. Scared to death. So I gave in and went along with it, thinking if I just gave him head he’d be satisfied and leave me alone and let me go. But that wasn’t good enough for him. I waited a year before I told anyone. A grand jury didn’t indict him, despite the evidence. And it’s been well over 100 days since I reported him and his supervisors are still investigating him. I guess they all walked free. My brother is big into the church. My step dad is 80 something and I’m hoping for his death soon. I can’t talk to my mother without anxiety. That Hungarian man is a grandfather walking around all happy. No telling how many other young girls he’s raped. The horse back riding guy, he’s in a band walking around free and happy. No one got in troub le for what they did. I’ve had amnesia, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and i’m so screwed up sexually it’s not even funny. I’m afraid to wear anything other than sweat pants and baggy shirts. I’m afraid to wear make up. I don’t want to be wanted. But I want to look pretty and be admired. It’s a confusing. My friends tell me it was never my fault. But for this to happen so often, by so many people I trusted, I can’t help but think that there’s something wrong with me. And there are at least 4 others I haven’t even spoken of here. around 10 different men. Since I was nearly 9. So for almost 30 years of trauma. I’m not even allowed to talk about the pig cop. Not allowed to mention that case. It’s as if he’s protected. But what about me? When will I be protected. – defeated