They will never know what they did to me

From the age of 12 to 17 I was sexually assaulted repeatedly by peers. The remarks, the grabbing, pinning down, forceful touching, it happened on a weekly basis. Once in high school it slowed down. It still happened but more on a monthly basis. I didn’t realize how much it affected me, but I started wearing a lot of black, becoming a loner, listening to awful music.
But later…I met a cute guy. I made him realize I was there, since he paid no attention to me at first. He was senior, and I was a junior. He was 18, I was 15. My first crush, my first time out with a boy. But had I known how it would end, I would’ve never spoken to him.
It started out as friends. We would hang out at school and everything seemed fine. But the first time we went out alone, he made a move. He kissed me. My first intimate kiss, this he would never know. What’s funny is he asked me “are you okay?” afterwards. He said he saw that I was nervous/uneasy/shaky, and seemed concerned. I reassured him I was fine, because I liked the kiss. I was love-struck and embarrassed that he saw me apprehensive.
Our next meetings, he wouldn’t seem so concerned. He was aggressive. He kissed forcefully. He would try to make me kiss him. He grabbed my hand and made me touch him below the belt. I had never felt one before, nor seen one in person. He would pin me against the wall. He would touch me in places where only I was allowed to touch. He was stealing experiences that should’ve been with someone I wanted it to be.
This happened over and over again. I would push him away. I would turn my head from him so he couldn’t kiss me. I kept asking him, “If we hang out today can we please just keep it platonic? Do you promise?” He would say “yes, of course.” But it never happened, he never listened. He only said “relax, it’ll be okay”. I trusted him but he broke me. He kept the pressure and was persistent. I kept my faith but lost my will. I did what he wanted and thought it would be okay. But it only made things worse. Each time I said to myself “please lets just get this over with.”
At the end of our last meet up I remember him saying “yeah you can’t resist me”. I was disgusted.
But now, almost 8 years later, I realize we were living in 2 different realities. In his mind he thought I was some chick who didn’t know what she wanted, playing hard to get.
But in my mind, I was dealing with a narcissist who had no idea how much I was hurting, or didn’t care.

— Survivor, age 23