I was raped when I was 19. I had been talking to a guy on tinder and he seemed to be normal and an ideal guy to date. He appeared to be attractive when we exchanged photos. What I did not notice was he never smiled with his teeth in any of his photos. After talking for over a week I agreed to meet him. We had previously talked about sexual things and desires thankfully without sharing sexual photos, he probably would have leaked them after I kicked him out of my apartment. When I opened the door to my apartment to greet him I was immediately unattracted to him. He was my height and missing a front tooth. He immediately tried to sleep with me. I kept telling him no and turning my body away from him. At one point I was sitting on the ground with my body turned away from him wrapped up in a ball, he kept trying to touch my even when I was moving away. He was persistent. He was a marine and a lot stronger than me. He begin to guilt me into sleeping with him. His advances made me feel so weak and powerless… I lost. During the sex I kept thinking about how much I wanted to push him off me. I knew it was going to be a fight I would never win. I laid there powerless and silent until he finally quit. He thought he was going to be spending the weekend with me. After sex, I talked him into going over to my friends house so I wouldn’t be alone with him. My friends got creepy vibes from him as well. I did not want to be alone with him. Later that night he tried more advances toward me. I denied him and then pretended to be asleep and cried my self to sleep. The situation got more and more hostile, I finally kicked him out of my apartment with the help of my guy friends. I was terrified to be alone in my apartment in fear of him coming back. My guy friends agreed to stay on the couch that night. Ever since that night my sexual identity changed. I have sex a lot less frequently and the sex wasn’t as meaningful as it once had been. The rape completely changed my relationship with men, I shut myself away and will not open myself up to them. In one situation the guy wanted a relationship and I was unable to give that to him. My mind kept talking myself out of growing feelings for him. My mind was trying to protect me from getting hurt. With another we slept with each other for 5 months. Once again I would not let it lead to anything more. I’m terrified that the next guy I date I’m going to push away and deny myself potential love. The guy who raped me has left me wounded. He has single handedly changed my sexual identity. I want to be the girl who opens her self up to love, but I do not know if I have that capability anymore.
— Survivor, age 21