I am now 38 yrs old, a wife and mother of two. One of which is heading off to join the Air Force in about 7 months. On the outside I am happy and excited for my daughter, but on the inside I am petrified! Let me explain to you why.
I joined the Navy when I was 19. I knew it was time for me to grow up and get out on my own. After completing bootcamp, I was stationed on a ship. I was scared and excited.
The ship had gotten underway, and we had a squadron onboard. They go underway with us when we we have aircraft on board. I worked on the flight deck where all the excitement was! After being underway for a few weeks, I was asked by my chief to go down to the squadron male berthing(where they sleep) on day. So obeying my chief, I went down to check on berthing and make sure it was squared away and nothing was broke.
When entering a male berthing, you announce very loud “female on deck!” This allows the males to know a female is coming in, and if any of the men are undressed, they will stop me until they are dressed. As I announced I was in there, there was only 2 guys in there. I said hi and we made small talk. I didn’t feel scared or anything. After being in there for less than 15 minutes, a third man walks in. He didn’t say a word to me.
I was finishing up my checks, I yelled out ” all right shipmates, I’m leaving.”
I was maybe three steps away from the door before I felt someone yank my backwards by hair. I was yanked so fast and hard that I felt my feet leave the deck and I landed on my back! I was shocked and confused I immediately try to get up, but realized there was one of the guys straddling me. He ripped my shirt open and began groping me. I didn’t scream, I didn’t put up much of a fight. One of the other men told me, if I didn’t fight, they’ll be done real quick. All three of them raped me.
When the last guy was done, he got off, told me to get dressed and they just walked out of the berthing.
I sat there for about 2 or 3 minutes in shock. I got up, got dressed and ran down to the medical department. I told the corpsman what had happened. He asked me if I was hurt. I looked at him in shock! I told him “OF COURSE IM HURT!” He said “no I mean like did punch or kick you? Because you don’t look hurt.” I couldn’t comprehend what he meant by that. He seemed to have realized what he said, and basically told me that if I didn’t have any bumps, cuts or bruises, that it would be hard to prove that I was actually raped and consented to sex. And couldn’t sit there and any longer. I went to my berthing, got sick, took a shower and went back to my work space. I ended up getting in trouble by my chief for being gone so long. He said he sent someone down to look for me but no one was in the male berthing, so he thought I was avoiding work!
I thought, he must have sent someone down to look for me just moments after I left for medical. Why couldn’t he have sent someone to look sooner?!
I went on in the Navy for another 5.5 years. And each deployment I would get more and more stressed out. I panicked, and with my job, you have to be aware at every moment on the flight deck. I couldn’t do my job anymore. When my enlistment was up, I didn’t reenlist.
I have been married for 18 yrs this year and have never told anyone, not even my husband. I am so super sensitive to the human touch my husband has come to accept that. Which is so sad to me. I have PTSD, racing thoughts, and constant fear for my children. I don’t want them out of my site! I try and reign that in, I don’t want them to fear the world because of my fears, but it’s a challenge.
Now that my daughter is joining the Air Force, I panic and worry about her. I struggle with telling her my story. Do I tell her to keep her aware, or or do I not say a word so that I don’t scare her before her adult life brings?
I watched your documentary, and realize I should talk to my husband, but I feel like that is as far as I can go. I have gone to mental health appointments at the VA Hospital, and have yet told them about what happened.
— Kendal
I was not raped, but totally relate to stories from other women who have been. I’m 80 now, but when I was single, about 22 years old, my Dad took me to a car salesman he knew to buy a used car. I worked swing shift as a steno at the police in a large city. One night, on the way home, the steering went out on my car on a blind curve. I was frightened someone would crash into me and contacted the dealership where I’d purchased the car, thinking they’d be the ones to make the repair and so it made sense to tow the car directly there. It so happened the same salesman who sold the car was working and offered to give me a ride home. He was an older man, slight of
build and a friend of my father, so I believed it would be safe to accept the ride and I was grateful for the offer. He was nice enough in the beginning, but as we approached the house where I had an apartment, he drove right by, so I asked him to stop, that we’d missed the house. He immediately changed into a monster — using the filthiest language, he stopped the car in that residential area within a block of my apartment and informed I was going to be raped. We had a huge wrestling match. If it had happened later in life I would have known to go for his eyes or crotch, but like most girls, I’d been raised not to hurt people, so I just fought as best I could and eventually managed to escape the car. He got out of the car on his side and was still determined to catch me, but I was a healthy farm girl type and took off through back yard, over fences, etc. and escaped to my apartment. It was a terrifying experience. The terrible thing was that I determined that I could not tell a soul. There was an unreasonable guilty feeling that I, somehow, had done something to cause him to react the way he did. I thought that I absolutely could not report the incident to the police, even though I was covered in horrible bruises, because my job required me to type reports for court by detectives. It just so happened that the detective assigned to such cases was a dirty old man type who was constantly coming on to me and other stenos who worked there. The idea of reporting to him was inconceivable. Also, my father was a very good man, sort of a John Wayne type who was a calm, friendly guy, but under such circumstances would no doubt take matters into his own hands and kill the guy. So, until this day, it’s been my secret. Every since it happened, I’ve experience the same sick feelings whenever I see a woman being abused on TV. I am soooo angry at the world for allowing all the terrible things that happen to women to exist. I do not see much improvement, if any, in all of my years since the incident. But after I recently watched the film on Netflix, I felt compelled to write. I am not angry just for myself — i recovered pretty well — but I’m very angry about the abuse to females that’s continuing to happen in our world. I wish there were some way the film could be viewed by every young woman, along with instructions on how to defend themselves (such as it’s okay to poke eyes under such circumstances). I wish I could do something to help. Even at my age, I’d be able to handle phone calls from women in trouble, for instance.
Dear Kendal – you are so brave and strong. Thank you for sharing your story here. I’m really proud of you for sharing your story. I wish I had a great answer about who to tell – but the truth is that I don’t think there is a “one size fits all” answer. I can tell you that talking about what happened to me has been helpful but I am very selective in who I tell. If you want to practice talking to someone, you can try calling a rape crisis hotline and talking to a counselor who won’t know who you are. See how you feel after that and think about what it might be like to tell your husband. If you decide to tell him, maybe he can help you decide whether or not to tell your daughter. But whatever is right for you is the right thing. No judgement. Ever. I think you are so brave for speaking out here and I wish you love and light on your journey. Love, Alexis
Dear Kendal,
I don’t think I should say that I completely understand you because I’ve never fully experienced what you have. But I advise that you warn your daughter somehow so that she does not go through the same experience you have- regardless of whether she’s old enough to know or not. Females can get violated at any point in their lives and the earlier they know of it, the better they can protect themselves. Believe me, I know what it’s like to always have to be on guard everywhere I go. Since I was a child, I’ve been on guard and you can say it’s mainly due to what happened to me then. Now I will not go into full story mode but I will again tell you that warn your daughter somehow so she knows and learns to defend herself early. And if you want to tell her your story, you can and that’s all on you. It might help persuade your daughter into understanding why you’re warning her. Also telling your husband won’t be horrible unless you are risking relapsing but know that’s if he’s a good husband, he’ll be there for you every step of the way. Your daughter and husband may support you more than you may think. If it’s too hard for a first step, try with a counsellor and take baby steps. Just MAKE SURE TO WARN YOUR DAUGHTER. Us females (can be males as well) are at risk everyday of our lives.
I wish you the best. Stay strong.
The better chance they have of protecting themselves I mean. *