Too afraid to say no

Sorry for the long story. I have alot to get out. Years of it.

I am 18. And all my experiences started when I was about 14. I had been exploring the internet as kids do and I ended up getting an app, Kik, and started chatting to people online. At first I made sure to keep it all clean and made sure to say no to any sort of advance from guys. Eventually i was worn down, the constant pressure and expectation was too much for me at that young age and I ended up sending small pictures. At first it was just pictures of my breasts in a low cut top. But the pressure kept escalating till I felt that I had gone too far and no matter what I couldn’t say no. I was sending more and more and was feeling like a slut. At about 15/16 I was also pressured and forced and shamed into sending pictures to guys I knew from school and clubs I was in. It made me feel worse. And whenever I found the strength to say no, the words were ignored. The normalization of sending nudes was what did it, I think. It felt like I was doing something wrong if i wasn’t giving the guys what they wanted. But it felt terrible to give them those pictures. I started getting harassed in person by these guys I knew, being called a slut and kept being asked how often I was down on my knees with a penis in my mouth and stuff. when I was 16/17 it got worse, a guy I knew through an old friend started texting and wanting to spend lots of time with me and asking questions about my sexual life and if I would ever have casual sex and stuff. The first time I went over to his house, we agreed to watch a few movies and maybe do some friendly cuddles as friends. The first thing he said to me was “now get over here and cuddle me” and I was a little intimidated. I was too intimidated and scared to stop him so I let him. Afterwards he asked if I liked it and if I wanted to do it again. I did know what to say and was in a sort of trance of horror, and ended up just saying what he wanted to hear. He pressured me over to his house many more times and in that time he tried to force me to kiss him and forced me to give him oral and he forced his fingers inside me.. the last time I went over to his place he pinned me down after he had gotten me naked and he lined himself up, saying “I could just slip it in if I wanted. But I won’t cause I am a nice person”. Soon after that I found strength in an old friend and managed to get the courage to tell him no and block him.

I still feel like it was all my fault, that I could have done more to stop him. But I was so scared that I couldn’t even say no to any of the multitude of guys who took advantage and harassed me. I struggled with depression and anxiety and self image issues through those years and I still do. I have a wonderful partner, but after years of harassment and abuse I have a voice in the back of my head that tells me that the only way to make a guy truly happy is satisfy him sexually whenever he wants it.

It kills me inside to think the most important years of my teenage life were filled almost every night with that kind of harassment and objectification.