I was only 7/8 when I was first touched sexually. I didn’t understand what was going on so I just kept it to myself. I faked smiling after that day. I tried to be happy for the rest of my family but I could never be. I started messing up at my schools. I got into trouble I started smoking at 11. I realised that what was happening to me was rape after reading a case about it in school. I knew I had to do something but I just didn’t have the strength. I started cutting just after I started year 7 and I kept it to myself about how I was really feeling. I was scared and alone. All the while my attacks kept happening. I kept trying to find ways to end my life because I just couldn’t cope with the pain anymore. If I was lucky I would get to sleep for a couple of hours which would add up to 2 nights worth of sleep a week. I was dead inside. When I was 13 which was about 5 years after everything started I decided that I couldn’t take it no longer and I started to stop eating. I then started causing arguments and eventually my family had enough and they talked to me and I just spilled everything.
It’s been nearly 5 years since I told my family what was happening to me. I have come so far since then. I am a survivor. It was a horrible experience. I wanted someone to come and save me but no-one ever did. I now suffer with PTSD and I have a gf who has shone a light in my life and made me feel wonderful. She has been there for me through many of my down hill moments and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I still struggle even to this day. I can promise that the way to show your attacker you are stronger than them is to move on with your life and do the best you can. I have done so. I know one day I will have to confront my attacker but I know that I am now stronger than him and I can do anything within reason.
Just a added thing: I would like to thank everyone who helped me through the dark times and especially to all the services who put up with me destroying some of their belongings.
I’m now 18 and a warrior and a survivor.
You are most definitely a warrior and a survivor! I am so grateful that you have come so far. It is a testament to the amount of strength and resilience you have. You deserve all the happiness in the world and it is so wonderful to read that you found light and love. Your words are important for other survivors to read. You faced incredible trauma and pain and, even though there are still downhill moments, you are thriving and you are stronger than ever. Thank you for inspiring me. You are very brave. Light and love, Alissa