I was at a gathering at a friend’s house when I was 15 with around 10 people from school. Throughout the night, one guy began to show some interest in me by trying to put his hands up my shorts and grabbing my breasts and I just continued to remove his hands from my body. The more he drank, the more aggressive he got and the more I drank, the more I allowed it. He followed me into the toilet and after we had both washed our hands I asked him to do up my zip. He pulled down my whole outfit and left me standing in nothing but a bra and I froze. He put his fingers inside of me as he fell on to me, pushing me up against the wall. I was suffering with an eating disorder at the time and was very petite and he was almost twice my size. Thankfully someone called us from downstairs and I made him leave first. He became paralytic shortly after and the next day, when my friend asked the last thing he remembered of the night, it was about two hours before we were in the bathroom. I had my first ever panic attack that night, my eating disorder spiraled out of control and I began self-harming again. I sat next to him for the next academic year and acted like nothing had happened because for him, it hadn’t. I never told anyone until I was 18 and told my boyfriend after a night out why it took us 2 years before I let him touch me in any sexual way. That guy might not remember, but I do every single day.
— Survivor, age 19
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. I know it feels like you allowed it but what you did isn’t consenting. You moved his hand away and that is enough. It sounds like you are still on the path to healing – which can be a long and hard one. I strongly recommend talking to a therapist, who can help you work through the intense feelings that you’re having. If you already have one, consider telling him or her. You don’t have to tell everything at once, but it can help them understand you and help. Wishing you light and love as you continue to navigate this journey!