Too Many Times

I was raped when I was a kid. My dad is an alcoholic, my mom abandoned us for England. She tries to say that they didn’t, but she did. So where I was living, I pretty much didn’t have any parents, and these two men decided to use me. I was 6, and 7. The abuse kept happening. They kept engaging with me and raping me, it became routine after a certain point. It happened 10, 20, 30 times. I don’t remember how many times.

I started having memories of it again, last year when I was 15, as I had repressed them for awhile. It was terrifying, realizing that I was a victim. I question if my memories are even real, but they feel so real when the flashbacks come, and I can’t think of anything but their hands on me, and their manipulation.

It sickens me that I was abused. I wonder where the people who did it are, to be perfectly honest. I am afraid to press charges but my adoptive parents are pushing me to, because my younger brother was smothered by a pillow when he was younger (he survived). I am upset that it is my job to press charges when I was the one who dealt with even more personal crimes than my brother.

Womanhood has ruined me. It has turned me into a victim, one I would not be if I were not a woman. I’m mad that it happened so many times to me, and I wonder who else it happened to that often for.

They would beat me, and whip me with a belt, and call me names like “slut,” and “whore”. One man even told me he loved me, and tried to force his “love” on me. The other one put out a cigarette on my arm, and laughed and mocked me. I’m not sure if this is true or just faulty memory, but I think he took pictures of me, too. Somewhere, somewhere, there could be pictures of me, and that terrifies me. I wish I never had to remember. They were so mean, they ruined my innocence, I didn’t get to have a chance to have a childhood. I knew what sex was and how babies were made before everyone else. I got my period before everyone else, and I don’t know if that’s because of the rape.

It sickens me that people took advantage of me, and that it was so frequent I can’t even remember it. I feel pathetic, and depressed, and guilty for letting them do this to me.

There were gang rapes, they took turns on me and laughed about it. Took turns on me, even saying “Oh, I want a turn”. Like I was a flush light or some sex toy to them. My body is ruined because of them, and it all hurt so bad.

This may be too graphic, but this is my story. I feel the need to share it the way I have, and I could go into so many more details of it, because there are so many more.