I was 21 at the time and with my very first girlfriend. All of my life I had been so far in the closet, with the whole world telling me I was straight that finally being with a girl was so freeing.
We we’re hanging out in her apartment drinking and having fun when things got a little heated. Her roommate: who was also my brothers childhood friend, was there but we both trusted him and we’re foggy headed from the alcohol. I remember asking him to leave but my memory after that isn’t the greatest.
The next memories I have were of pain and crying. I remember telling him to stop, saying no, that I didn’t want this. I remember looking back and seeing his eyes so focused on me and not registering that I was even saying anything. I wanted to leave but was afraid that if I did he would just move onto my girlfriend, he had confessed to me that he had a crush on her after all. Finally after the pain slowed I picked up my girlfriend and locked her in her room. When I went back downstairs to where we were, he was already gone.
The next morning I noticed blood. I was in so much pain I couldn’t hardly move. I explained to my girlfriend what happened and that I was in shock hardly believing that it actually happened at all but the injuries we’re proof.
The next day he showed up to my house to hang out with my brother, pretending like nothing ever happened. This I think was more painful then the actual rape; that it was so easy for him to act innocent. In front of my family. In front of my parents.
I bled for a full week after the rape. I sadly had to stop talking with my then girlfriend because I couldn’t look at her without remembering that night.
The cowered ran away after that, and I will never be the same. It’s only been two and a half years but I still have nightmares. Of him just being there, a looming threat that even someone you’ve known all your life and trust can destroy you.
The worst part is i have to try so hard not to blame myself. “If I wasn’t with my girlfriend”, “if we had left the room”, “if we weren’t drinking” but no it’s not my fault! I wasn’t asking for it and he chose to rape me. Drunk or not you still have control, humans aren’t animals! Right?
— Survivor, age 23
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! It doesn’t matter if there was prior consent for any sexual encounters or you were drinking… no means no. I know we say that a lot but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Having nightmares after two and a half years is actually more normal than you would guess. Or at least, than I would have ever guessed. But I do think you can heal from what happened with the help of a therapist. I would encourage you to find a therapist you can talk to who can help you release your emotions and help you really internalize that you are not to blame for what happened. You may not ever be the same as you were before, but you can be whole and healed again. I really believe that. Sending you love, Alexis