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Too Young and Unsure

I was 14-15 at the time when I was sexually assaulted. I am very new to this subject as I have let this situation go for so long… I am now 25 years old and have been having issues with memories coming back to my mind that I didn’t even remember happened. He was my boyfriend. He lied about his age, I later found out that he was actually about 21 years old. He started off so nice with me. I had no idea what I had been getting myself into or the fact that he was too old for me.. I don’t even know if this is considered rape.. One night he laid me down and started kissing me. He started began pulling my pants to the side when I started feeling very uncomfortable. He looked at me and said “it’s fine.” I don’t remember exactly what I said to him, but I know I didn’t want it.. He performed oral sex on me. I felt uncomfortable the whole time.. He always told me he was my boyfriend and it was ok. Another night, we were all i n the same room as my oldest sister, her boyfriend and mine.. He began putting his hands in my pants when I told him that we were in the same room as other people and it wasn’t right.. He proceeded to tell me that they wouldn’t even know and continued by fingering me. He would pick at everything about my body. The way my vagina was, my acne, etc.. I felt so uncomfortable with myself. He would get mad when I would hang out with my old friends. Whenever it was late and he wanted to come over I wanted to scream.. He would take my hand and make me touch him (with pants on) I don’t remember much else.. I grew up feeling unsure about sex and it took me almost a year to open up to next boyfriend a year later (whom is now my fiancé). I feel that I have an unhealthy way of engaging with sex and almost now have no desire to have sex.. After he up and left, I began to starve myself and had cut myself a few times. I feel as though these are thoughts that I have repressed f or so long.. Is this rape? Is it sexual assault?

— Survivor, age 25

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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