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Tormented

I lost my virginity when I was 14, I was with my best friend at the time, we met up with one of her friends who was 21. he had problems I even think he was on drugs I’m not entirely sure.
Anyways they both decided that it was my time to loss my virginity. my friend even “showed” me what to do, we where at a sports shelter in the middle of the day, if anyone walked passed they could of seen us I was so uncomfortable, I didn’t want to do it, however I didn’t want to loose my friend or thinking I was “uncool”
It didn’t hurt as much as I expected but it wasn’t like anything I expected and I felt robbed and forced and hated my friend for making me feel I needed to do it. However I never considered it as rape and still dont to this day, however I think my first experience made me lack the value sex.
not long after that I started ditching school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I had rocks thrown at me like some big joke until I agreed to have sex with the boys in the group. However even this I never considered rape to me, because as soon as these “boys” where alone in that room I could tell they where scared and thankful and sorry, others even asked for oral instead, they came in one after another I felt like a toy, but they were nice to me, Only in the room. when I was out I was abused and had stuff thrown at me, they waved their penises in my face, they stole my stuff and convinced me to “do stuff” with adults for cigarettes and weed. I stayed because I believed I was shit, and nobody would want me.
however this lifestyle didn’t last long, I met a guy he was 18 i was almost 15 at this stage, he took me away from all that, he made me feel like a person, however he was in and out of a relationship with a girl that was pregnant with his child.
When he would go back to her I would crumble I became nothing again and I tried to take my life, I tried overdosing on paracetamol it was the worst and most painful experience.
A few months after getting out of hospital he turned up out of the blue again, promised me all the things he said before, but this time I knew it was lies that he was just going to leave me again, I was prepared but I still LET him have me again and again, I lost my job at a fast food place, because I was too frighten to leave him because he would go back to Her.. the stories he told me of her made me believe she was horrible.
My guard went down and I fell head over feet for this man and even though I was on the pill I fell pregnant to him and things started panning out and I believed that we will be a happy family. The first 12months (other then the drama of his ex) was perfect he was the most sweetest romantic person I had ever met and I had No idea why he ever liked me to begin with. I felt so lucky to have ‘Won’ him.
After my son was born, he started showing his true signs he was abusive and never supported anything I wanted to do, I wasn’t aloud to talk to my friends and I had no desire to.
I was so hopelessly devoted to this man, I fell pregnant again 4months after my son again I was on the pill, however this time he made me choose him or the baby, he didn’t like being a dad with all the limitations, I choose the baby and he left me after i sprayed him in the eyes with deodorant because he pushed me threw a door landing on my bed which also broke as I landed.
I begged him to come back for months, he did just before our daughter was born, he promised he has changed Bla Bla.
we had many domestic over the years, breaking up then getting back together, he was always finding out girls to make him happy, I was stuck at home with our two babies.
2012 I was invited to my friends 21st birthday it was In the CBD of Sydney, at a guy bar. I begged peter to let me go. he hated my friend as I met him during the the time I was pregnant with my daughter. but he said yes, I even paid for a fancy hotel and we had pre-drinks in the fancy posh bar at the hotel.
when we all went to the bar, we had LOTSS of shots and fancy cocktails, before I knew it I was very intoxicated and I even willing took drugs and huffed shit (apparently a mussel relaxant for gay guys) me and another girl went to the bathroom, there was a line up so It took a while, it was so loud and smoking. When I finally got to the cubical I pulled my pants down to fast and they touched the disgusting floor of piss and god knows what else! I was so grossed out. during this time it seemed to go quite in the bathroom, I quickly got off the toilet and started to clean my pants by cupping water with my hands, when I was startled by the other cubical flushing. a guy comes out all smug like. I moved aside from the sink so he could use it, as I turn to walk out he said something along the line of fat (yes I was grossing over-weight) I turned and said ‘fuck you’ went i felt this force hitting me across my cheek, I stumbled and fell in my drunken state falling back into the cubical I was just in. It took a few seconds for me to clear my head from the fussiness and pain from hitting my head on the back of the toilet, I attempted to lift myself up with my arms only to be forced back down by the weight of this man, thats when it hit me, what he was doing. He had my hair around his hands pushing and pulling the back of my neck, whispering in my ear to “shut the fuck up” and “a disguising fat whore that wanted it”
people where coming in and out of the bathroom, they where loud and laughing I thought they where laughing at me, a beached while imaged when through my mind.
I and know idea what to do, every time i attempted to lift myself he would push and pull my hair and slam my head into the back of the toilet. so I just died, I just let him, and I was so lost.
a few seconds or minute (felt like forever) he loosened his grip on my hair and I just stood up, we were both surprised, then him but he pushed me up against the wall with his arm pressed against my neck and he put his fingers to his lips and ‘shhh’ me before he opened the cubical door, and I just ran, I ran passed all the people and collapses near the dance floor, my friend told the barman and then security and before long the whole floor was empty, I had people screaming at me I had my partner screaming, and people asking me the same questions over and over. I was a emotional drunk mess, I ran/fell down the 3 flights of stairs and started walking away from the bar, the police, the ambulance. my partner caught up with me and we got a taxi back to the hotel, I fell asleep in the shower, while my partner decided to call everyone and let EVERYONE what happened, I felt like a freak show, I had his family spin all kinds of scenarios, I was a slut, I was too drunk, I did it too myself. however He got kicked out of that bar because he was too drunk, I never knew till this after my assault.

I dismissed it ever happen, I tried to block every memory of it. however I did start drinking alone to numb the pain and too make myself sleep.
however I found out I was pregnant only a month later, I was on the depo shot you get every 6month, It worked for 3years but didn’t stop this… Just my luck! it was a 50/50 chance on the father as i only had sex with my partner a few days before the party.

he flipped the lid, asking all these questions and why I wasn’t going to the police or doing anything to get justice.
he stole my car boxing day morning drunk, and speed through a give-way at 125kmp/h T-boning another car killing the driver instantly. my partner however had a small fracture and whip lash.
I knew he was going to jail, and I hated him so much, All the pain I was suffering he somehow turned it around back on him so he could feel important again, but because someone died, It was My fault, I wanted to go to that party, I got drunk and high, i got pregnant and I never wanted justice, and it was my fault he stole my car and killed someone…
I couldn’t abort my child, I tried, I made multiple bookings and even turned up to one and just stared at the doors from across the road. i decided on adoption if it was my rapist. she came out looking like my other two children and we never have had her tested,
IT took almost 2years of court cases and drama before my partner finally got locked up. he got 5years.

It was only until he went away I realized how so much have happened, and I broke. I never wanted any of this shit, I just wanted to be normal, happy family.
I have more hate for the man that I spent 7years with, then the guy that raped me, it could of been anyone that night, but nothing hurts more then the pain of believing your actions are so powerful that you control other people actions. in turn believing that I killed this man he was a twin, and a good hard working man.

depression set in, and Ive tried multiple times to end my life and have been hospitalized. Im slowing getting better, although still battling with a lot of pain, and regret and worthlessness.

— Amanda, age 22

2 comments

  • Alissa Ackerman
    • PW

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