I was 19 and buying food at Trader Joes, when an older man came up to me and asked me for my number. He said he wanted to take me out.
I thought he was assertive and this quality was refreshing to me. He asked me to come over for dinner. I was a little uncertain. I knew it was safer to meet him out, but told myself I was overreacting. I did know how to ask to meet for dinner out. This nervous feeling continued. When I got to his apartment door I saw a mezuzah and felt comforted because I was Jewish too. I kissed my hand and touched it and knocked on the door.
We had pasta and a couple of glasses of red wine. He told me he was 34 and worked in real estate. His apartment was very nice. After that things got hazy. We kissed on the coach and ended up in the bedroom. Things moved quickly. I said, “no” and “stop” and tried to push him off. He choked my throat and told me, “you know you want it bitch.” He pushed his tongue into my mouth. passed out. In the morning he made me breakfast. I was confused. He did not act like he did anything wrong. I went along with it and left.
The next day he texted me asking if I had any STDS. He said he didn’t use a condom and knew he was clean. I felt disgusting and dirty. There was a lot I did not remember. I was confused about what happened. I did not have a lot of experience with sex. My best friend had told me about rough sex. I figured that he must have not understood that I was being serious when I was saying, “no” and fighting him off. I blamed myself. II did not consider it rape until later. I saw him for a few more times. In my head I tried to pretend it was a normal relationship dating relationship. The reality could not have been further from the truth. He was mean and degrading to me in person and over text.
I was confused about what happened and unconsciously searching for answers to why people hurt each other. I took a college course on, Violence in the Family and began teaching a health workshop on Rape and Sexual Assault to high school students. It was only when I started teaching this course, that I really processed that I had been raped. Before then I did not understand date rape fully.
Much later I google searched his name later., I learned he was not involved in real estate. He had been arrested for dealing drugs. A year later he came to find me at an old apartment. He got my number from my old roommate. This scared me.
While I was taking some small steps to heal, I also abusing alcohol. I blacked out frequently. I had casual sexual relationships. I was easily pressured into sex and felt nothing about it. The shame, confusion, and personal responsibility I felt made me not want to share my story with anyone. Even writing this now, I question was this really rape? Was this my fault?
— Survivor, age 26
Dear Survivor – Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It took a great deal of courage and bravery and strength. What happened to you – in no uncertain terms – was NOT your fault. Even if you hadn’t said no, sexual contact without permission is rape. Having said that, healing is possible. The shame and confusion you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Talking to a counselor can be really helpful in sorting out those feelings. I know how scary it can be to share your story and I’m really proud of you for taking the first step by writing here. You are not alone in what happened to you and you can heal. Sending you love and more strength – Alexis
Dear Survivor, I echo Alexis’s message above. It was definitely rape, and it was NOT your fault. Not in the slightest. There is much in your story that I can relate to, and it makes me feel less alone. I hope by sharing your story here you feel less alone as well. Your emotions make perfect sense to me. I hope you have someone in your community to talk to for encouragement and support, and if not, check out the Get Help page on this site for resources to get you started. You can heal, and you are incredibly brave!
I know you, and it’s terrifying to admit that. I was raped by an aquaintance that I met who worked as a promoter for events and talents in New York. I was 19 at the time, attending school in New York, and was modeling. Because I was networking with social agents, many personal friends interested in the fashion and music industries would ask me to remember them to business acquaintances. I discussed a brand that aone such friend was trying to grow at the time with the promoter when I met him at an event in the city and exchanged information with him in order to contact affiliates of his that he said might be interested.
He contacted me to ask me to an event where I presumed his affiliates would be present. At the time I was a frequent drinker, but a “good drinker”. I began drinking early in my youth, but was lucky enough to have trust worthy friends who looked out for me when I did. All this to say, I knew my limitations with alcohol and rarely ever breeched them; however, I was naive to the potential and determination of predators. I was unable to find a friend that was free to accompany me that night, but I told two friends where I was and that I was alone, and to check in with me every hour through text.
The promoter was flirtier than I felt was necessary, but I made my intentions and my lack of romantic inclination clear. He offered me ecstasy at the beginning of the night, which was not uncommon in that social setting, which I emphatically rejected. Again, I was incredibly naive and felt some odd sense of maturity for my willingness not to judge businessmen in that environment who frequently used coke and molly. I had two or three shot- sized glasses of vodka (which was a very slow night for me at the time) over the course of three hours. My first drink was purchased and brought to me by the promoter. I’m not entirely sure that I had the third drink, but I remember it being poured for me by the attendant in my section. I had that warm feeling in my chest that starts at the beginning of a buzz, but was still coherant and without slur (which was for me, then, the primary indicator that I was feeling my drinks).
All of a sudden, I blacked out. I was wide awake one moment and hardly able to stand the next. I don’t remember what I was thinking or what happened. I only have broken glimpses of the rest of the night. Ultimately it ended in a hotel. I remeber the lobby, and entering a room. Then I remember him beginning to take advantage of me and me saying “no” and trying to push him away. I remember talking to him at one point about my father and my ex from a little over a year before, which was the first component that gave way to my confusion about that night/morning.
I don’t take sex lightly, and somewhere in all of what happened I decided to attempt to love this guy, because I didn’t want to waste myself. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I tried to make it work with him for a month afterward. I found out the day after that original night that he was 32, and as he told me about how much I wanted and enjoyed him that night, I chose not to realize that his uncoaxed offering of that recount was indicative of his knowledge of my having been incoherent. I told myself that I was just drunk and that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I told myself that I was fast and easy. I told my best friend from school the lies that I was trying to tell myself, and she was the one who finally snapped me out of it. She knew that something like that was totally out of character for me, and helped me finally admit what really happened that night.
Four years later, I haven’t been interested in dating since. I stopped modeling, I don’t drink, I don’t go to social events, and I still don’t know how to talk about this beacuse I dated the guy afterward. I’ve told a few close friends over the years, and I’ve been shocked by their reactions. Most believe me, but have expressed that they’re uncomfortable talking about it. It’s hard because I need to talk about it, but I still question whether it really was rape.
Dear Friend,
It is his fault and he knows it.
I understand continuing to see him to “normalize” it.
Seeing him helped you from feeling totally victimized.
My doctor told me that all rapists fantasize about the power and pain they will inflict.
It’s a weak male who takes that as his pleasure.
And it’s a sickness of the mind.
Here, we love you as you, always.
xox