I don’t know what to call it. Its been a rough year, my cousins lost his sister to suicide, & I know it shouldn’t be an excuse for why I let him do what he does to me. I thought the first time he took advantage of me was going to be the last. I convinced myself that this was never to happen again and it was only because he’s grieving over his sister, i’m just a temporary void for him. But he’s my cousin. Someone I once thought was the closest thing to me getting over his sisters death, the closest memory I have to her in keeping my sanity & not wanting to escape to be with her. I keep telling myself, it’s not a huge thing. I’ll get over it because I’m so use to pretending everything is okay, so I should be able to pretend and fake a smile with this, but I can’t. I haven’t been sleeping, & I’ve had anxiety attacks when boys, men or males touch me in anyway, even when they mean no harm. Am I going crazy? I feel so trapped because our family is built on being there for each other, support, communication, Love. How can I tell my family that my cousin touches me, in ways I wish I could delete out of my brain. It would break our family. It would tear our family apart, and I would never want that because for one, I know how it feels to want a family so much & I couldn’t do that to my family. I want to believe he wont do it again, but I know for a fact every family event we have, when we drink, its bound to happen. Trust me when I say I have tried everything to avoid the situation without anyone knowing its happening, but I always find myself there in that very situation, wanting it to be over, wanting him to realise that I am hurting just as much as he is, “just trust me” running through my head. Trust has to be earn’t. What do you do when you could potentially make or break a family? My family. I’m so confused, its an ongoing replay in my head, because I look at him and think I would rather it be me, then have him it do it to anyone else, would he do it to his sisters, my sisters, our little cousins, or is it just me? He touching me makes me hate my body even more, because why would any girl let this continue, but you wont know till your actually in my situation. I’m 17, and he is 15 but way taller, & stronger in built, that I have given up trying to fight him away, because all I see is pain & hurt in him, but it’s not okay. It’s not okay that he’s my cousin, that he keeps touching me, and doing things I absolutely hate! I hate it, but I’m trapped. I’m trapped and I don’t know how to make it stop or tell someone. What if its just a phase? I don’t know, I just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay, because right now, I feel so useless, so trapped, and unable to escape this.
— Survivor, age 17