It started when i was 9. My brother was always mean to me, I’m guessing he learned a lot of it from my abusive father. He physically abused my brother and I when we were younger so I sometimes believe this all happened because he was trying to cope? Anyways, it started slowly, my brother called me into his room to look a naked pictures of girls, he also printed them. He was only 14.
A couple days later he asked me if knew what masturbation was. He took me up stairs and laid on the ground and touched him self. I wasn’t interested in watching and just wanted to go down stairs but he made me watch until he finished. The next day he came into my room while i was playing dolls. I asked him if he wanted to play and he said sure, instead he asked me if wanted to play house. I agreed and started to play with my baby doll. He stopped me and told me that i couldn’t be a mommy unless I had sex. I was aware of what sex was because my father made my brother and I watch porn. I was about 5, so I didn’t really remember but I knew what it was. He told me to come to the tree house with him. We went up and he pulled down his pants. I told him that I didn’t want to actually have sex. He told me that its fun and that we can be mommy and daddy after. He pushed me up against the tree and started to rub himself on me. I didn’t really say anything because he told me to shut up when I got upset at the beginning.
It went on for a long time. I remember thinking that what he was doing was wrong but he kept telling me it was right. As he was rubbing himself on me he ended up missing and hitting the tree and his penis started to bleed. He told me to take off my underwear to wipe the blood off. He threw them far into the forest and than started again. This time I could feel it more, I knew he was inside me but he finished and than told me that if I ever say anything he would kill me and mom would never talk to me again. I didn’t really know what to do but I remember sitting at the dinner table that night feeling so sad and gross and confused. I was always a quiet kid. I never said a word, it was my brother who told my grandma about my father. I kept it in for so long that I kinda forgot about it, it didn’t feel real. But when I got into grade 7, things slowly changed.
My brother moved out a couple years ago and moved back with my father. I got depressed, I was being bullied and I felt very bad about myself. For the first time in my life I balled my eyes out because the flash backs of what my brother did felt so real. I stayed quite until one day I was with my best friend and completely fell apart. She told me that I needed to get help. I didn’t. And she didn’t tell anyone. I felt so alone, I wanted to get help but I was so scared.
Until grade 9, I threw a party at my house. I got very drunk and ended up giving oral sex to 2 boys. Shortly after someone called the police and everyone ran. I was just sitting inside balling my eyes out. The police came in and told me not to be scared and that my mom needs to be called and that I wasn’t in trouble. I remember looking at him and I told him that I was going to kill myself, I told him about what my brother did, and I told him that I was disguising for what I did that night. I was taken to the hospital and I remember regretting what I told the police officer. I was so scared until a therapist came to talk to me. I told her everything. I ended up staying in the hospital for a week but I still found it hard to talk about.
Even now. I see a therapist weekly and I haven’t talked about the rape once. I can’t bring myself to do it. I know I need to because I’m starting to feel depressed again. I guess my problem is, is that I keep quite. How do I speak up? Im scared. The flash backs are getting worse. It’s ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.