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Twice

At school I was never taught about consent. I never actually realised to the extent of how little respect that society has for women and their bodies till the day my recent ex boyfriend told me that I was my fault that I was raped, because I didn’t stop it. I shouldn’t have to use brute force to stop a boy from penetrating me when I already told him no. A 17 year old girl who was never taught about consent didn’t realise at the time that rape isn’t the glamorised being pinned down in a dark alley way by a strange scary pervert at night. It is in fact that drunk boy at a party who was pushy. Part of me did think at that time that it was my fault I wasn’t aggressive enough towards him to stop. That is wrong in so many ways. I own my own body so I should get a say in what happens to it right? No should mean no. But even in a society where a feminist view is becoming popular, rape is still a normality. I had no intention of sleeping with him or anyone. At the time I didn’t do anything about it because truthfully I didn’t know I was raped. The self hate I faced because of thinking to myself that I had let this happen. I am not a victim and I will never ever be the victim. I am a strong woman and I will never play that role of the victim.
The second time I was raped I’m pretty sure I was spiked. I woke up still very intoxicated and even though it was the next day I know I would have never have been able to consent to sex. I don’t know whether the person who spiked me was the same one who raped me. At this point when I tried to tell my ‘friends’ they spread rumours about me telling everyone that I had cheated on my boyfriend (who I wasn’t even with at the time). Those ‘friends’ were male. Once again I was held accountable for a males actions on my own body.
My recent ex boyfriend when I told him who raped me when I was 17 he not only told me it was my fault for not stopping it, told me that I was a rollercoaster that everyone was wanting to ride. Insinuating I slept around because the name I told him was someone we both knew. His reasoning for his anger was that I had lied when he asked me if I had ever slept with him. I hadn’t slept with him. When someone forcibly puts their fingers and penis inside you would you count that as sleeping with someone? Me shouting stop to a boy who had his penis inside me would you ever count that as sleeping with someone. He then broke up with me. This was a blessing.

Im not going to let men victimise and belittle me. I am strong and both me and my body deserve respect. I am a woman.

— Survivor, age 20

5 comments

  • Survivor, age 27
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  • Amy
  • Alexis
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