Unbelievable

Honestly kind of nervous to try this. I’ve never told anyone. I think I convinced myself it didn’t happen. That I was dating him so it couldn’t be rape. I was 17 in high school and dating a boy 4 years older than me. He was holding a party for a friend and last thing I remember from the party was sitting on the counter drinking Mountain dew from a red solo cup. I woke up with him and his friend in bed. I couldn’t remember anything but I knew I hadn’t been drinking so I told myself I must have agreed. Later I realized I had been drugged. For years after that I am ashamed to admit I felt used so I let myself be used and every time I couldn’t tell you how it ended. I don’t know if there is an explanation for it. My mind and body seem to freeze and did up until I met my husband and it still happened and does every now and then. It’s like my mind is refusing to remember anything…. I wonder what’s wrong with m e. Why can’t I remember? It happened once when I was younger. I’m just looking for closure for some sort of understanding.