I was 3, and the abuse went on for a few months. I’m 16 now and the only details I know are from papers that were used in court. My mom protected me, and got a restraining order. He was mine and my brother’s biological father, not my sister’s. He touched her too, but not as much, this stopped after one occasion, and she controlled the situation. I was too young to defend myself, and he manipulated me into thinking it was how he showed me, he loved me. I didn’t know, I was abused until my family told me, I just thought my PTSD, everyone had. It was and still is incredibly hard to process. I never got justice because the evidence wasn’t sustained so he doesn’t have to feel like it happened and I have to live with depression and anxiety etc… I recently read through all these papers, how he touched me, I don’t even know if he raped me, I know he “kissed me on my privates” and used his fingers. I feel so violated by something I don’t remember and I want justice. When I fought back, he beat me up there were black and blues all over me. After everything happened, I started acting out, really inappropriately, touching myself, and trying to do stuff with my brother. I’m so ashamed, I couldn’t believe I did all this disgusting stuff. I like to pretend she’s a different person. There’s so much to it, it’s just really hard, and I want to take him to court but if I lose, it could destroy me. I have talked to a victim’s advocate, and I have a therapist but I don’t know, the advocate said I might not have enough new evidence because I don’t remember. So I feel so hurt and confused, so many emotions, I can’t even begin to describe but they all are painful. I feel so alone sometimes, I love my mom, but it’s really hard. Please give me advice or anything, please.
— Survivor, age 16
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. Your “acting out” is a pretty normal reaction to what happened to you. There is nothing to be ashamed of; you were doing the best you could with what you had and you got through it. As far as going to court – that is a really hard and personal decision so I won’t give you advice but I will say that talking to an advocate and a therapist are DEFINITELY good steps in making that decision. No matter what you decide and (if you go to court) what the jury finds, please know that I BELIEVE YOU. I know you can get through this and heal. Your emotions are all valid and eventually, with time and therapy and a lot of work, the confusion will lessen. It’s not easy and it takes a lot of time – but I believe you can heal from this.
You can do this. You’re not alone and I’m sending you so much love and support!! Alexis