The first time I was raped. I was 18, I never thought of it as rape until recently, but I guess it was. I’d been drinking and there just wasn’t a clear line of consent. I was too out of it to say yes or no. And the guy had anal sex with me – I only remember because my anus was in a lot of pain the next day.
The second time, I was 19, I’d gone to a party and I didn’t drink, I’d only had a cup of soda but somebody must’ve drugged me or something. The next thing I knew, I was outside, next to a tool shed, and two guys from the party were taking turns having sex with me, this time, I reported it. Nothing ever came if it though.
The third time, I’d been seeing this guy and he asked me to hang out with him at his buddies house, there were about 10 other guys there, we decided to sneak away and go upstairs and have sex. Then after we’re done, he asks if he can blindfold me as he’s got a surprise. I stupidly went along with it. He then had his buddies come in and they all took turns raping me orally, vaginally, and anally.
It’s affected my intimate sex life in a lot of ways. I sometimes have flashbacks when I’m with my boyfriend, and I’ve managed to cope by never saying no to any man. Not even my fiance. I just let him do what he wants because of the things that have happened to me. He only knows about the second time. I know I didn’t deserve those things and they weren’t my fault, but a part of me feels like “I put myself in those situations, so therefore it was my fault, I deserved it.”
— Survivor, age 25