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Unwanted Flashbacks

I just read a really mediocre article on my phone on attitudes towards rape. And suddenly it was all back, the feeling that I am not in control of my body and somehow feeling broken inside – unable to pinpoint and define the feeling. 3.5 years ago I was raped. I only realized 3 months after it happened. I called a helpline for advice and they bluntly told me that I couldn’t do anything that would result in real consequences for him. And back then I still felt somehow guilty and bad about potentially destroying his reputation and future. I felt really done after this conversation – these people were supposed to help the victims. All I got was the confirmation that I in fact was powerless!
The one thing I did was sending him an email just stating: What you did is called rape. I felt I had to tell him. I felt that he probably didn’t realize all this time how wrong it was what he had done.
You might be wondering what happened. I don’t want to go into the details. I broke up and that day we meet for the second time since we broke up – to see whether there was anything emotional left between us. I was very clear that I did not want any touching, kissing or intercourse. I asked him in the evening whether he can stick to that. He literally said: “I would rather cuddle you for the rest of my life than having sex with you tonight!“. I wore long, very unattractive PJs plus underwear.
The next morning I was woken up by him sitting on top of me, having pushed down my underwear and PJ trousers. When I realized and pushed him away after a few seconds he was already done. I was in shock, didn’t really know what happened and was still only half awake.
This happened on a Saturday and I had a very important presentation at my University on the upcoming Monday, was very busy at work and had to organize everything for my Master’s abroad. I buried these events somewhere in my brain and forgot about them until I eventually had some time to myself and the realization overcame me: I was raped. I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t want to see myself as a victim. I didn’t want this to have happened to me. Inflicted by a person who I used to love. For a moment I even thought about whether it was rape. And more than anything I wondered – how did I not realize this 3 months ago?

— Vivian, age 25

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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