I just read a really mediocre article on my phone on attitudes towards rape. And suddenly it was all back, the feeling that I am not in control of my body and somehow feeling broken inside – unable to pinpoint and define the feeling. 3.5 years ago I was raped. I only realized 3 months after it happened. I called a helpline for advice and they bluntly told me that I couldn’t do anything that would result in real consequences for him. And back then I still felt somehow guilty and bad about potentially destroying his reputation and future. I felt really done after this conversation – these people were supposed to help the victims. All I got was the confirmation that I in fact was powerless!
The one thing I did was sending him an email just stating: What you did is called rape. I felt I had to tell him. I felt that he probably didn’t realize all this time how wrong it was what he had done.
You might be wondering what happened. I don’t want to go into the details. I broke up and that day we meet for the second time since we broke up – to see whether there was anything emotional left between us. I was very clear that I did not want any touching, kissing or intercourse. I asked him in the evening whether he can stick to that. He literally said: “I would rather cuddle you for the rest of my life than having sex with you tonight!“. I wore long, very unattractive PJs plus underwear.
The next morning I was woken up by him sitting on top of me, having pushed down my underwear and PJ trousers. When I realized and pushed him away after a few seconds he was already done. I was in shock, didn’t really know what happened and was still only half awake.
This happened on a Saturday and I had a very important presentation at my University on the upcoming Monday, was very busy at work and had to organize everything for my Master’s abroad. I buried these events somewhere in my brain and forgot about them until I eventually had some time to myself and the realization overcame me: I was raped. I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t want to see myself as a victim. I didn’t want this to have happened to me. Inflicted by a person who I used to love. For a moment I even thought about whether it was rape. And more than anything I wondered – how did I not realize this 3 months ago?
— Vivian, age 25
Dear Vivian,
I hope you found some comfort and peace sharing your story. I want you to know that it is perfectly normal not to recognize an experience as rape for a long time. The emotions that come with such a realization can be really difficult to understand and experience. Sometimes the realization feels more traumatic than the experience itself. Trauma is confusing and frustrating. None of this makes you different. It makes you human. As for reading that mediocre article and being brought back to a feeling that you can’t necessarily define – it is also a common response. I wish I had a word for it. I want you to know that although you might feel powerless because the crisis line told you that he wouldn’t face any real consequences, you actually have more power than you realize. He might not ever face real consequences and he might never fully understand that what he did to you was rape, but you found your voice and you wrote these words. You spoke out. You told him that what he did was rape. You took that control. And for those things, you are an inspiration. Light and love to you, Alissa