I’ve posted here before, about the struggle and about how I had court soon. Court is over with. But I had to read my impact statement. Something I worked on for 3 months every night. I had to read it out loud so it had to be perfect. The entire court room cried, and I feel as though it would be beneficial to post for any one to read, but especially anyone on this site.
November 30th is a day I will never forget. It was the most traumatizing, mortifying, and painful day of my life.
I was with Fred that day, and he took something from me that I can never get back, and ever since I’ve been trying to figure out how to be okay with him keeping such a large part of me.
I didn’t know Fred, and yet he has had the biggest impact on my life.
All I knew was that he came from a good family – considering my parents spoke so highly of his. But on that day, I told Fred no. He acted as if he tried again later that I would change my mind, he acted as if “no” meant to convince me.
But my mind never changed.
When I continued to tell Fred no, he looked at me and said he didn’t care. In that moment I realized he didn’t care upon what terms he had to satisfy his passion. And I tried to forget about that day, to just pretend it never happened.
I didn’t ever want to speak of that day again. In fact if I could have went into my head and erased it — I would’ve.
He didn’t leave any bruises.
No physical markings at all.
But he didn’t have to.
The event itself and his ability to manipulate me after – was enough to psychologically traumatize me.
It felt like he killed me and asked me to get up.
I don’t qualify for the most violent, but I do qualify for the most damaged.
I shouldn’t have had to get violent.
I said no, that’s all I should have to do.
How did anyone expect me to have the strength and courage to try and physically fight someone who was bigger than me?
I was scared.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move.
He didn’t listen when I said no. No matter what I did, how is it I’m supposed to believe he would’ve stopped?
Fred continued to cause me pain and embarrassment, instead of being grateful that I shut my mouth. He should have left me alone and I’m guessing right now he’s wishing he did too.
He and his friends continued to harass me day, after day.
I still don’t understand how forced penetration is funny.
Did you hear the joke about my bestfriend having to hear what happened and not be able to do anything?
How about the one where he and his friends mocked me?
Because I did.
They’re both pretty funny actually.
It’s hilarious that a 15 year old girl had to go to the Doctor’s office to see if she was pregnant or had an STD from a guy she barely knew.
It’s even funnier to be the one who didn’t do anything wrong, and still be the one to blame.
I honestly wish his friends were here to listen to this, because making jokes and harassing me for what Fred did makes them just as bad as him. They normalized his actions and made Fred feel proud.
and they got away with it.
I had accepted to carry the memories for the rest of my life, but I refused to carry the burden of silence —– so eventually I spoke up.
I felt more empowered that day than I ever have.
I finally gained my voice back.
I told a complete stranger the most personal story I have, and without any question at all, he believed me, and he has stood by me ever since.
He gave back a little bit of the strength i had taken from me..
He let me take up so much of his time.
He deserves more than a “thank you”.
He let me come to him crying, probably more than he talked to other kids. And not only did he listen to my cries. He help put me back together.
He calmed me down and gave me the best advice he could
He took care of my problems at school before the day even ended.
He would ask me every single day, how I was doing.
He made sure I felt safe.
He tried so hard to make sure my days at school went by as easy as they could.
If there’s one person who could tell you how this tore me apart, it’s swope.
I’ve admitted I told my parents during a fight.
And I’ll admit it again.
When was the right time to tell them?
Please, tell me how I was supposed to find a good time to break my parents’ hearts?
How does anyone expect me to be able to tell the two people who adore me most, that what they feared happening to me, had just happened?
So yes, I told my parents in a fight.
I could stand here and tell you what a terrible, cruel, person i think fred is. I could bash Fred and try to make you all think low of him. But I would be lying to you.
I want Fred to understand that I don’t think he’s a terrible person. But he does need to change, and if he doesn’t change and he continues down the path he’s on, it won’t just be me who thinks he is.
I also want him to understand how he made me feel, and what it did to me.
It altered how I think, act and how I see my own reflection.
It stays in my head until I’m asleep and even then I have nightmares about it.
It kills me to remember any part of that day.
I learned what it was like to wake up everyday, but still never feel alive.
I’m cautious in situations I shouldn’t be.
And sometimes I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.
I’m too scared to be alone.
I had my dignity stripped from me.
My entire life changed forever
I lost any motivation, especially at school. Considering I never knew what days I was going to see him.He liked to pick and choose what days he wanted to break the bond.
I have yet to wear the clothes I did that day.
I’ve had countless of breakdowns and days I couldn’t get out of bed.
I stopped trusting people who had never done any harm to me.
I deal with people judging me for something I didn’t even do.
I am constantly fearing there is someone near me who wants to hurt me.
He burned holes in me.
My body is mine, and he took it from me and made me hate it.
I’m living my own nightmare.
Every detail has remained with me……And the worst part is that I cant stop any of it. And at the same time that I’m trying to fix myself, I’m trying to find a way to forgive him. But every time I see him or hear his voice, it feels like a gunshot.
Along with trust issues – one of the hardest parts is not being believed. He was innocent until proven guilty, but not me; I was a liar until proven to be honest.
I am truly sorry for whatever reason made Fred think what he did was okay.
To treat me as if I had no soul.
But I beg him, to look inside himself and Figure out why.
It’s been 9 months.
9 months since my nightmare became a reality.
How can you know the full impact 9 months later?
Maybe in 3 years, I could tell you the full impact
But right now, I’m sitting here telling you the direct effects.
So please, I ask you to keep in mind, I have not even discovered all of the impacts this will have on me.
I can’t come back and update my statement every time I discover something new.
I don’t get to speak up about everything.
In all reality – you’ll never know how it feels unless it happened to you. I could sit here and try to explain for hours on end and I promise you my words would do no justice.
My intentions have never been to “get even” – but I do think he needs to take responsibility for his actions and face the consequences.
I wanted to stop being a part of the 94% who never tell.
I wanted to make a difference.
I wanted to help Fred before it was too late.
But I couldn’t do any of that in silence.
What if it wasn’t me that he did this too?
Most victims want to be even.
I know that Fred knew better than to do it. I know he was raised not to do such horrific actions.
But yet he did.
And no one wants to accept and believe he did.
In fact, I didn’t want to believe it happened.
But I couldn’t run from it.
It happened. And there isn’t anything anyone can do to change that.
And as hard as it was for me to go through this, I know it wasn’t just me.
My parents, and also Fred’s parents have had a lot to deal with. And whether it was your son raping someone or your daughter being raped, they are both equally as painful. I can see the horror in all your eyes, and the pain in your hearts.
I will not apologize for Fred’s actions to either of them, but I do apologize – that along with me, you all had to go through such a painful experience.
All anyone ever does is try to find an excuse for Fred’s actions. I’m sorry to say that there isn’t one and there never will be. And i will not let anyone tell me that it is ANYONE besides Fred’s fault. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.
There were no drugs or alcohol involved. And in my opinion, that makes it even worse.
The fact that he was stone cold sober and able to do such a terrible thing. — and knowing I was sober and would fully remember everything. He knew without a doubt that not a single detail would fade.
Any punishment I want Fred to be given, is not to hurt him. It’s to make sure he learns from this
and never does it again.
I don’t want him to ruin his own life by continuing down the path that he has been on.
However he doesn’t take any light punishment seriously. He needs more help and guidance.
I do not see potential in him.
Fred has done nothing but prove to me that he doesn’t care. And truth be told, I hope he proves me wrong. But I know without a doubt he can’t do that with a light punishment. I tried over and over again and I was repeatedly let down.
If he wouldn’t have acted so careless, disrespectful and ungrateful the past few months I would stand here today and tell you he doesn’t need more discipline or structure. But sadly, what I have to say is that in order to help Fred he needs a heavier punishment.
He needs to truly realize what he did and he needs to change.
Maybe this is Fred’s first offense.
But how is punishing him lightly supposed to show him it’s wrong? If we let it go, that proves to him he can get away with it. And not only is it wrong to let it go, he hasn’t given anyone a reason to believe they should. If the punishment isn’t strong enough, then how will he change? He will never see a reason to refrain from doing it again. When his punishment is over with I don’t want to fear that he will do it again, to me or anyone else.
I have been punished for what he did, and will continue to be for the rest of my life. And I will not be punished more severely than he is.
— Morgan, age 16