As a child i grew up in an abusive household. My mother and father were both heavy substance users and I was exposed to a lot of violence ever since birth. Quite frankly, my rape was inevitable.
I was only just 12 at the time, first year of high school. I was ‘off the rails’ as my mother said, smoking, drinking and ditching school. My best friends at the time (who deserved to be named) were to older boys named Ben, 14 and Jamie, 13. I spent all of my time with them and I trusted them wholeheartedly. That was until the 13th of July 2014. I left home without permission and met them, I drank about 5 – 6 shots of vodka, bearing in mind.. I was 12. I was paralytic and undoubtedly very, very drunk. The older boy, whom I’d known for a few years, moved me onto the other. I’ll admit I liked the younger boy, but before that day I’d never even kissed someone so as one can imagine I was very naive. He liked me.. Or so he claimed. This is hard for me to write, so I shall keep it brief. At some point I must of lost consciousness or possibly my mind has dissociated the memories from me, anyhow, I was raped. I didn’t believe for a long time until a doctor told me point blank something went in me and my body had physical trauma. The police also gave me the word. Rape. I didn’t want to believe it, couldn’t. They were my best friends, only friends.. How can you claim to care about someone and do that?! I couldn’t even fathom hurting somebody in such an unimaginable way. Heck, two weeks prior to my rape I was telling my mother how tough I was and nobody would ever hurt me because I was strong. Strong. No one shows you how to be strong when you too drunk to talk or move. You can’t be. I know that now. You don’t know strength until you meet a survivor of rape or any form of abuse. Surviving is strong. The media only tell you how to avoid rape, not recover from it. That’s self taught. I know now what real strength and courage is, I have it. We all do, every single survivor, because we are strong and we should not have to hide our pain or our voices, we matter! We are valid!
So, thank you. Thank you for creating a space in which I and others can express our experiences. We are stronger together.