I’ve never spoken up about my story before in fear that people wouldn’t Believe me.
It’s complicated but it starts here
I was molested when I was about 4 by a stranger that came into the house. I didn’t even understand what had happened but the effects on my life were evident.
I was terrified of anyone with a beard & had messed up thoughts and dreams of being abused my whole childhood. Every night.
This is what scares me the most and I worry I am so damaged from this that I can only enjoy abuse.
From about age 5-12 I would think about being abused, I’d created this whole place in my mind where girls went if they were bad and they would be abused as punishment.
To me that thought was normal.
Now this next bit i have to warn you that it’s a bit full on
I used to basically ride my stuffed toys as if I was having sex and think about being abused. I would enjoy this and my parents thought there was something wrong with me for masturbating I guess you’d call it so young but they never took me to the doctors
Either I’m really sick or this is a product of my abuse I feel sick thinking about it.
So I went on like this thinking everything I was doing was normal but with an irrational fear of men with beards.
I was 15, when I was abused by my cousin, too scared to say anything. I felt that no one would believe me, and I didn’t want to cause problems with the family.
When I got to 17 I had a boyfriend and one night he raped me, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. I couldn’t get a word out or do anything and then I thought he’s my boyfriend so I didn’t think it was rape. I didn’t want to do it. After than happened it was like something snapped in my head and I had a breakdown. Everything that had happened to me had finally erupted into a big mess. I had to see a psychiatrist and go to group counseling and stay at a psychiatric ward because I had attempted suicide several times.
It was so hard to tell anyone, who would believe this could happen 3 different times. I know I’ve been to counseling before but I feel like I still need to deal with this.
I only really want to get this out because I have never spoken about then effects I had and I feel this will help me move on knowing it’s out there.
I am much better now, I haven’t been on medication or needed counseling for years now and I feel like I’m moving on. I just have that little last bit that I need to share. I don’t want to feel like a freak or insane.