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Was I really raped?

I am yet to process what had happened to me because I am yet to understand, was I to blame or he? He (not to be named) began messaging me through Facebook and after only a few hours of Facebook messaging soon led to an exchange of numbers and then a FaceTime call ALL in the same day.
Our first FaceTime call consisted of getting to know each other, as well flirting which always suggests things are going great, so we arranged to meet up in the next few days.
I admit to exchanging nudes before our meeting and a small amount of dirty talk, but I made sure he knew that on our first encounter NO funny business would go on nor would there on our second meeting and maybe third other than maybe a cheeky kiss! I told him on how I only wanted to get to know each other for now… there was no suggestions from either of us to get to know each other through a romantic meal or whatever happens on a date, because somehow I agreed to meeting up for just a walk through the park.
And that we did, for a short amount of time, we walked through a park in the dark, stopping every few seconds to kiss each others face off. I didn’t have an ounce of clue to where I was all I knew is that I rode a bus for the first time in a long time on a 30/40 minute bus journey to town, town being a place I didn’t travel to often (especially not on my own, then being my first and last time) it was also one in a handful amout of times I saw my city centre at the night time with being a 17 year old girl not yet legal for a night on the town getting drunk, until only recently now being 18.
Yet I still have no clue to whereabouts in town I was and what park he had taken me to just like I’m yet to understand what happened in that park! On the whose fault was it? The part I now tell being the part I’ve tried to avoid: was I raped?
We walked, stopped and kissed a few times before reaching toward a small woods which I questioned him about because I had told him that no funny business would be going on, so why were we going through this way? He insisted he knew and it was just to talk i with a brave face on said okay and agreed and followed him.
Everything from there was a bit of a blur all I remember was somehow kissing him again up against a tree whilst letting him know again I didn’t want anything else to happen… he didn’t listen he began putting his hands down my pants and then I’m somehow on my knees not wanting to be there but not restricting myself from the situation for reasons which I don’t know why. But in the hope that if I give him oral I could finish him off and just go home.
It didn’t work, he was soon back to groping me from behind now and thats when he tried to have sex with me, I move it away and tell him I don’t want to have sex and he tells me that it was only his fingers and he promises he wasn’t, he then tried to pull the same stunt a few times until I decided to give in and let him. For a minute or so I froze then I silently cried and then I moaned in the hope it would be over with quicker and that was that, he pulled out told me to let him finish in my mouth and I let him, I acted like it was all fine, even after he told me to take the morning after pill to be safe.
But then we walked out of the little woods through the park, he then asks for me for oral sex again, I say no a few times and he leaves it and I’m left feeling confused on why he couldn’t leave it before? And that was from walking out back through the park and him walking me to the bus stop, I pretended like none of what just happened actually happened I even agreed when he said we had fun until I got home and replied to his message.
A message which asked if I got home safe a message to which I reply yes but also tried to explain I said no to which I felt guilty for saying because other than what just went on he was nice extremely nice. Maybe I led him on?

— Survivor, age 18

1 comment

  • Alexis


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