Was It My Fault?

I was freshly 18, recently graduated high school and feeling like nothing could stop me. I never have been in a relationship, I was used to talking to guys for a little while, and then it never blooming into something else. I had a thing for older guys, and since I was 18 I felt like I should try talking to them. I received a messaged on facebook from a guy who graduated from the same high school as I, 6 years prior from when I graduated. He is pretty popular from the area I’m from so I felt “cool” that he messaged me. We talked for a couple of weeks and we then decided to meet up and hang out. We hung out talked for a few hours, everything was fine and then he asked if we could kiss. Kissing turned into other sexual activities, and he then asked for sex. I felt “dirty” for actually wanting to have sex with a guy on a first “date” but for some reason it felt right. He told me that he only wanted anal sex, and at this point I was skeptical because I have never done it before. I agreed anyways.

We talked for 7 months and had consensual sex every time. I knew he was into rough sex, and I agreed to engage to do it with him. At the 7th month point, he would text me strange things like “you gonna let me rape you when I see you?” or “I’m gonna keep going even if you say no.” I replied with “No.” every time. I let these texts slip away from my memory. One night after he sent me those text he asked me to come over and I went as usual. I walked into his room, but this time he was standing up and I felt super uncomfortable. He told me that he was going to do whatever he wanted to do to me, and that I couldn’t stop him. He then threw me on his bed and stripped off my clothes. He slammed my head against his wall and was pulling my hair to the point I thought I was going to pass out. He threw me on the edge of his bed, while I’m telling him to get off of me and telling him no over and over. I tried to push him off of me but he used his hands to restrain my arms. I started crying and screaming and he then stopped and said “the more you say no the harder I’m going to **** you.” I felt this feeling of giving up come over me and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die. I stopped and let it happen to me. As he finished, I ran to the bathroom crying feeling so unsafe in a place where I normally felt safe. I walk back into his room to grab my keys and he looks at me and says “You okay? I didn’t think you’d be able to handle that. But you’re staying with me tonight you better not leave me.” I felt so scared so I climbed into his bed wishing I wasn’t even alive at this point. I woke up early in the morning and felt so sick and hurt.

I tried to block that night out of my head for months. I didn’t even consider it rape, I thought it was all my fault and to this day 4 months later I still feel as if it was my fault. From being with someone that gave you butterflies to feeling sick from the second you hear their name hurts so bad. As of last week I come to find out that he became the owner of the house directly across the street from me. I walk outside to get something from my car and I see his face, and he’s looking at me, smirking.

For some reason I miss how we were and I miss the good times, which makes me feel sick. I wish I could erase all memory from it all.