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Was It My Fault?

Seven months ago, I was raped.
I had just gone through a breakup of a 1 year relationship; I was having a hard time getting back out with my friends and returning to any normal things I did before my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend and her boyfriend asked me to come over after work one night so I decided it couldn’t hurt and I had nothing better to do so I decided to make my way over there. When I got to the house, I could already tell it was a party because of the noise and the multitude of cars up and down the street.
I walked in and saw a lot of my friends and a lot of people I hadn’t had the chance to meet yet. Most people were older or already graduated. The night was actually really fun, I got to meet new people and laugh and drink and have fun for the first time since the traumatic breakup. A friend introduced me to a guy who seemed nice and I had recognized from other parties I’d been to and what not. The guy and I talked for a while about random things, I was very drunk so I actually felt comfortable talking to a complete stranger for once.
Pretty soon, people were starting to get kicked out and I had to find a place to sleep because I was allowed to stay and there was no way I was driving out of there. I said goodbye to my friends and I went upstairs into a small room and found a space on the floor with a blanket and closed my eyes. I heard the door creak and the boy I had met walked in. He asked if I was sleeping in here and naturally I replied, yes. He closed the door and laid close behind me in the pitch black room.
I decided to close my eyes again and hope that I fell asleep soon, when I felt his breath on the back of my neck. He was breathing deeply into the crook of my neck seeming to be smelling my hair or trying to seduce me in some way….I don’t know what I was thinking at this point other than, if I ignore him, maybe he’ll stop and leave me alone. To no avail, he continued to lean close into me. He turned me around and tried to make out with me. At first I flinched away but I could feel his grip getting tighter and heat his breathing getting deep, heavy. I told him I was really tired and just wanted to go to sleep but he just kept kissing me and I didn’t know what to do.
After a few minutes he started touching me and trying to get under my clothes and tried to pull his hand away and again tried to stop kissing but he had his body on top of one of my arms and held my other shoulder down with his free hand. He got on top of me and pulled my pants off. I was completely frozen and asked him nicely and quietly to stop because I wasn’t ready. He said nothing and started touching me again. I was so afraid he was beginning to get angry because his movements were so aggressive. He tried to finger me but was forcing his way in and it hurt so bad I couldn’t do anything I was paralyzed. I laid there staring at the ceiling tears falling down the sides of my face dribbling down my neck until he stopped. He made me touch him too and he got angry when I couldn’t make him hard. When he finally did, he slid the condom on and put both hands on my arms, and forced himself into me. Over and over and over again and I’d never felt pain like it in my en tire life. At a certain point I couldn’t take it anymore and a whimper came out and he slammed his hand over my mouth. This only made him go harder which made the pain worse. I was sweating and felt like I was going to puke/pass out/cry all at the same time because of the pain and fear that was in me.
After what felt like hours he stopped and rolled over behind me. He wouldn’t let me put my clothes back on and he kept his arm on top of me the entire night in case I tried to move. I didn’t sleep a second.
The next morning he pretended nothing had happened and everything was fine and went about his life. I would never be the same.
About a month later my boyfriend and I got back together and I was very happy that the love of my life was back, it felt like a piece that was missing had finally come back to me. It took me six months to tell my boyfriend what had happened. He knew I was different and he knew something happened but he never would have thought it was this. I’m clinically depressed, have anxiety, PTSD, so on. I had slightness of this for different reasons before the rape, but not like I do now.
I have tried to end my life twice because this feels like nothing but my own doing. It feels like my fault and like nothing will ever be the same. I seek closure everyday, I seek a way to try and move past the sadness without dragging my boyfriend into it as well. Even time has not healed what the boy so brutally destroyed of mine. Physically, emotionally, and even socially, I feel ruined and I feel broken. I wish I had been able to scream or run away. I spend everyday wondering why I couldn’t. I spend everyday wondering why this happened.

3 comments

  • Alexis
  • Susan
  • Iku

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