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Was it my fault?

I have been with my boyfriend from the age of 13, I am now 20years old. He is the love of my life.
Just over 1 year ago our perfect bubble was shattered.
I was out drinking with my step sister. I remember feeling like the alcohol had definitely hit me but It was no more than a buzz.
Then all of a sudden I was stumbling around. My body kept going limp and I kept collapsing on the floor. Then I’d be up walking normally again. In all the times I have drunk alcohol, I have never been like that. looking back now I do believe I was drugged. Who done it? I don’t know as I never seen my attacker before then.
I bumped into my boyfriend’s mum while I was out and she tried to take me home but I kept saying no I’m fine. I wasn’t fine, she was picking me up off the floor at this point. Anyway off we went to the next bar as young people do full of drink, not wanting their amazing night to end.
When we got there, my step sister bumped into an old school friend. I vaguely remember asking how she knew him and her reply being ‘it’s an old school friend and your dad and his dad are really close.’ I don’t remember much after.
Somewhere along the way me and my step sister got split up and I couldn’t see her anywhere. I rang her mobile but it went straight to voice mail. I went outside to see if I could see her and she was nowhere in sight. When I got outside it was beginning to get light again. I think I remember thinking I’d be ok to walk to my boyfriend’s house as the taxi line was too long. It was about a twenty-minute walk so why I thought it was a good idea I don’t know.
Along the way I remember vaguely seeing my step sisters school friend. I really don’t know why but he wanted to walk me to my boyfriend’s house. He said he knows my dad and that I’ll be fine. So I stupidly trusted him.
Along the way I can only hear bits of our conversation. My step sister was single and I remember asking if he thought she was pretty and wanted them to chat. Anyways I remember getting close to my boyfriend’s house and pointing to his house saying that’s his house there and thanking him for being so lovely walking me home. I went in for a cuddle but I remember him kissing me and tasting cigarette in my mouth. I broke away feeling confused and stumbled off. He caught up to me and said he’d walk me a little further as my boyfriend’s house was down a cut. Not wanting him to carry on walking with me I thanked him again to try and get him to leave. all I remember next is my jeans pulled down and my head being pushed into bushes as I’m bent over the fence. I pass out. I open my eyes but pass out again. I tried to open them and I looked around. Forgetting where I was and hearing hot breathing coming from behind me. I couldn’t feel a thing I felt behind me. I felt someone thrusting behind me. I turned around to see this man’s face. I freaked out and pushed him off me as the realization hit me. I pulled my pants up and stumbled off saying ‘no one can know.’
I frantically knocked my boyfriend out of bed. He said he knew instantly something wasn’t right but he tucked me in bed.
The next day was drowsy and the flash backs started to hit me.
I’m not sure why this man done that to me. Was it my fault? Had I gave him a reason to think that it was ok?Was I flirty?
Every day I deal with these thoughts. Hating myself for getting into such a vulnerable situation.for being so silly and naive. All I know is a gentleman would have walked me to my boyfriend’s house and seen me home safely. Only an animal would have took advantage.
I’m not sure if I will ever get over it. All I know is, each day is a struggle but because I have my boyfriend by my side he will never win.
Please comment or leave a supporting message. I’m feeling really low lately and wanted to know if anyone else has these type of questions or is it just me who blames themselves.

— Survivor, age 20

10 comments

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